countdown: three

-- Do I Have --
Of course I have,
Beneath my raincoat,
I have your photographs.
And the sun on your
Face
I'm freezing that frame

And somewhere Alfie cries
and says "Enjoy his every smile
You can see in the dark
Through the eyes of Laura Mars"
-- How did it go so fast --
you'll say as we are looking back
and then we'll understand
we held gold dust in our hands

------------------------

I really love this song. It makes me think of all the things you shouldn't take for granted. Every time I am having dinner with my family. Playing with the kids. Having a drink or two with friends. Laughing about the past. All those things I keep in my heart. It's my gold dust.

Asleep told me to get an emergency kit for the trip. I finally purchased one last night. It's heavy and includes the following:
Reflective strip on back (of bag) alerts oncoming vehicles
AAA double sided carry bag w/ AAA zipper pulls
AAA membership brochure
Heavy duty 10' 8G booster cable w/ vinyl coated 300AMP clamps
Heavy duty tow rope
Flashlight hand charge 2 LED
Pair of gloves w/ dimples for better gripping
Emergency poncho --- I can't wait to wear this!
2-in-1 screwdriver
Bungee cord
Duct tape
Shop clothes
First aid supplies

So in case my care ever flies off a ravine, I think we will be ok, thanks to my AAA emergency kit! The only thing I feel it's lacking is road flares, I really want to have a small Fourth of July in February.

It feels a little more real that I am moving. Due to the fact I had maybe 10 diet coke's at dinner, I couldn't sleep last night - so I packed. I folded down all of my clothes and put them in the space-saver thingys my mom bought for me. I hope they work as good as they say they do. I also have started pre-moving in - my first box of things arrived at Asleep's work yesterday. I asked if he wanted to open it and see what was in there. He said 'no.' I wondered why he didn't want to look through it. Because, I don't care whose box it is - I would want to look in and see their belongings they mailed to me. He eventually did. He wondered I had so many belts. I can't answer that question, only because I'm not really sure why I have about 20 belts ranging in color and style.

Before my big purchase of my emergency kit, Heather, Jamie, Michael and I ate at Olive Garden. I am pretty sure out waitress was strung out on something not legal. During the evening of carbs, she called us the following names: Shower Head (directed at Jamie), Egg Heads, AK, and several others that may be in the urban dictionary - as she would call us those names she would look at us with her beady eyes with pouted lips. She would also tell us 'NO' when we asked for a refill, joking of course only to bring us a new soda.

*I found it odd how she called us those names, so I looked them up in the Urban Dictionary. Funny to see how each name we were called is in there.

Shower Head:
1. oral sex given to a male while showering with a sexual partner.
2. something you use to jack off with...or...girls jack off with.

Egg Head:
1. An overly intellectual person; someone who thinks too much.

AK:
5. A shortened term how the AK-47, a widely available assualt rifle popular with thugs, urban criminals and terrorists.

countdown: four

Love is like oxygen
Love is a many splendored thing
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love!
-Ewan Mcgregor - Elephant Love Medley

Soon I will have a new movie buddy. For the most part we have the same tastes in films. There's one type of movie that I enjoy more than he - love stories. I'm a sucker for a love story, I'm not sure where it came from or why, but I don't mind the occasional 'chick flick' or movie where you already know the ending of happily ever after. And chances are, I will cry at some point during them - just as I do in every episode of Grey's Anatomy.

One of my most favorite movies is Moulin Rouge. Yes it's a love story, but does it have a happy ending? Not so much. But every time I hear Come What May I get emotional. Or when I hear The Police's Tango de Roxanne I get the chills - by far my favorite scene. Kylie Minogue as the Green Fairy is rad.

I will most likely make Asleep watch this with me, I don't think he has a choice in this one. He will also have to put up with my singing during it as well.

In some ways, I feel my relationship with Asleep is like a love movie where you already know the ending of happily ever after - and I love that.

little brazil tour dates

acting like hipsters

Greg told me he wouldn't be able to make it to my 'See You Later' party, but informed me Little Brazil would be playing in LA. I will be pumped to see them in February!

from greg:

Little Brazil will be heading out for about 7 weeks starting Feb. 1st. If we're coming anywhere near your city please stop out! I'll buy you copious amounts of alcohol and provide free unconditional hugs. Then, i'll most likely try to seduce you for a place to stay all while stealing the condiments out of your kitchen cabinets. It doesn't stop there kids! After stealing "said" condiments, I'll try and seduce any pets that you may have at your residence. I have a fetish for birds and fish. It's kinda wierd, but so am I. All that aside, I'd just love the opportunity to see some of your lovely faces! Until then....see you soon!

greg

02/01 Denver CO @ Hi Dive
02/02 Laramie WY @ The Manor with 1090 Club
02/03 Billings MT @ Yellowstone Perk
02/05 Portland OR @ Berbati's Pan with Lillydale
02/06 Seattle WA @ Crocodile with Lillydale
02/07 Eugene OR @ Diablo's
02/08 Oakland CA @ Stork Club
02/09 San Francisco CA @ Bottom of the Hill with Mirah
02/10 Los Angeles CA @ Knitting Factory with Gertie Fox
02/11 Phoenix AZ @ Modified
02/12 Las Cruces NM @ The Bean
02/14 Dallas TX @ Doublewide
02/15 Austin TX @ Mohawk
02/16 Lake Jackson TX @ Civic Center
02/17 Baton Rouge LA @ Spanish Moon
02/18 Birmingham AL @ Bottletree Cafe
02/19 Jacksonville FL @ Jackrabbit's
02/20 Wilmington NC @ Soapbox with Ladyfinger NE
02/21 Washington DC @ Black Cat Backstage
02/23 Oneonta NY @ SUNY Oneonta with Ladyfinger NE
02/24 New York NY @ Cake Shop with Call Me Lightning
02/25 Boston MA @ Middle East Upstairs with Ladyfinger NE
02/26 Philadelphia PA @ Upstairs at Sal's
02/27 Cleveland OH @ Beachland Ballroom with Ladyfinger NE
02/28 Pittsburgh PA @ Garfield Artworks
03/01 Columbus OH @ Andyman's Treehouse with Ladyfinger NE
03/02 Gambier OH @ Kenyon College with Denison Witmer
03/03 Chicago IL @ Beat Kitchen with Ladyfinger NE
03/04 Lansing MI @ Mac's Bar
03/05 Champaign IL @ Void Room at Canopy Club with Say Hi to Your Mom
03/06 Minneapolis MN @ Turf Club
03/09 Des Moines IA @ Vaudeville Mews
03/10 DeKalb IL @ House Cafe
03/11 Dubuque IA @ Busted Lift
03/20 Oklahoma City OK @ Conservatory
03/21 St Louis MO @ Creepy Crawl
03/22 Kansas City MO @ Record Bar
03/23 Omaha NE @ Sokol Underground

countdown: five

I wondered two things this balmy 10 degree morning...

Why do people have their car windows down to smoke when it's freezing cold outside - can't they wait 15 minutes?

And, why when you have your car heat on and you turn a corner, the heat seems to disappear for a short second leaving you in the cold?

Last night Mollie, Matty and I had Farmhouse. We had many laughs - mostly about how I will be staying at a gay/clothing-optional resort when we go to Coachella. But also about all the drama Matty told us about. Since Mollie and I have very little drama in our lives, we like to hear of other people's craziness.

Today is my last day at obi. Ashley brought bagels. And Danelle posted a note above my computer that read:

Jimbo - Please don't leave me... :( OK, fine go! I'll just come and visit every other weekend! :) -Broken Hearted, Danelle Petersen-Schlegelmilch-Ferrin.

I've been here a year and oh, how it's flown. I somehow feel indebted to them because they were the ones who brought me to California two times. In those two times is when I got to meet Asleep. So I can't thank them enough for that experience.

I activated two old bank cards from US Bank. I didn't think they would work, but thank Jebus they did because that will be the bank I'll use out there.

I love talking to Asleep. I never get tired of hearing his stories or his racists remarks - I never get bored. I get more excited when I talk to him about the move - and the things that will happen afterwards - waking up next to each other, making dinner for each other (I hope he likes toast), going to movies together, going to bed with each other - and all the little things in between. It's those things that make me feel like the luckiest guy.

countdown: six

So the countdown of the move to the west begins. Six days left.

Last night I went with Heather to her water weights class. I asked if it was one of those all-women classes, she told me it wasn't. Besides the two life guards I was the only guy, I was also the youngest person there. But I can't complain because jogging and doing scissor kicks in water was fun. I think I was even sweating some, which is hard to tell when you're in water.

After the workout, we decided we should eat some Zio's.

So on the move, I really don't think it's hit me yet that I am moving and will be living many states away from my family. I haven't felt homesick since I stayed with my aunt in Columbus, Nebraska when I was eight (and it was just for a week) - she also got me hooked on All My Children.

I have packed and sent one box out. I have another waiting - which weighs around 50 pounds (and I can only recall DVDs and a pair of shorts in there).

My mom keeps telling me I need to go to Sprint to fix our plan, so I can stop paying $320 every month. I need to go to the bank and switch things over. I need to get my oil changed. I need to call my insurance for my car. I need to get insurance for myself...One thing at a time please.

I just don't want anyone to worry. I don't worry, so they shouldn't. But maybe it's good that someone does.

flashback #1: fac

I had a flashback today while talking about...ummm something...with Ashley in the office today. I say something because I can't remember for the life of me what it was. Anyways, I thought of FAC (Fridays After Class) in Iowa City. They were wonderful times full of early afternoon drinking, card games, good cheeseburgers and fries, and a guy with a guitar who sang any songs you wanted.

During one semester I happened to be the first person to arrive at the bar, which would be somewhere around 12:30 p.m. I would get the tables pushed together for the perfect game of Asshole or Fuck You. Many would trail in behind me...Amy, Laura, Mike, Matt, Mary, Ashley, Erin, Chris, Kristen, Rebecca, Alexis, Gail, Tatum, Megan, Kevin, Darcie, Vanessa, Rob, Daver...and the list continues.

Fond memories were made during these Fridays. Such as...

A girl walking around the bar collecting underwear tags. Amy got excited, reached down the back of my pants and ripped out my underwear tag.

Loosing a drinking game and having to chug several beers.

Stacking each cup - it was always fun to see who had the tallest one.

Mary thinking she got frost bite from sitting next to the doors when it was cold outside.

Signing American Pie with the whole bar.

Having a bad day and having a breakdown after beer #9. The nice waitress asked if I was ok and I shook my head no. Ok, maybe this one isn't such a fond memory.

For a couple weeks we played with a stack of cards Amy purchased. They were of nude males.

Mike, Daver and I thinking we were more hungry than just a cheeseburger. We walked to Hillcrest, but before doing so got high somewhere on campus in a forest-like area on some bench. While getting to the cafeteria (Hillcrest had the best cafeteria on campus, it was much like a delicious buffet you would find in Vegas...ok maybe not that good.) we snuck in so we didn't have to pay. I can only recall blurry vision and several trays of food.

This is all I can remember at this time, which I don't think is half-bad since I can barely remember what I did yesterday. I'm sure if I were to go back today it would be a very different experience. I would think the underage drinkers were annoying with their card games or cup stacking, but I would never be so low as to not try and pick it up one more time. I would wait for Nick Stink to pick up his guitar and we would all sing out of key...A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile...

BREAKING NEWS

The limo that resides across the street has been towed.

Now what will we take pictures in front of for birthdays and other great events?

*For those of you who are unaware of what this limo is, it's a circa 1981 white limousine that has been parked directly behind our driveway for the past four to five years.

ripple back to me

This past weekend was a wonderful time. Asleep came to visit the icy midwest with freshly fallen snow.

Seeing him walk out of the airport gates put a smile on my face - which didn't leave until he left. I first took him to see Heather - who seems to be just as concerned as my mom is about me moving. I then introduced him to the wonderful life of Zio's pizza. From there we retreated to our room and only left for ice cream.

The next day we had lunch with my mom. Having met him I was hoping to put her concerns aside - which I think did help somewhat. That evening he got to meet a couple friends over large plates of pasta. After we went to Babe's birthday to bowl.

Sunday was Farmhouse day - where he would taste the most delicious cinnamon roll man has ever made. He also cooked for some family and friends - chicken enchiladas and spanish rice. I can't tell you all, how excited I am to be eating this food regularly in a couple weeks. Hopefully he will be willing to cook - if not, I will have to start thinking up a list of bribs for him.

Monday came too fast. We had a less than mediocre Runza lunch and some laughs on my cloud 9. We had our 'see you laters' which involved me taking in deep breaths of him and exchanging bear hugs - then he flew back to the west.

Sometimes it feels like I'm missing an arm.

...see you in two weeks, arm.

coachella 2007

I will get to attend this amazing event!!!

And you can bet I will be in the middle of Rage Against the Machine's mosh pit. Do they still have mosh pits? Anyways, it will be amazing...Damien Rice, the Roots, Bjork, Arcade Fire, Willie Nelson, the Decemberists, Manu Chao...well anyways, you can see it all up there.

Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.

funk

This is why I will miss Ashley.


We first met at a party in Iowa City. I was sitting on A washing machine. We soon became roomates.

It was my first time living with someone other than my parents or sister. We got along and never fought. We had routines that were different from each other's. She had lots of make-up scattered around the bathroom sink. I had a freezer full of frozen pizza and Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

The times we would eat at the same time would be had on the couch in the living room. I would eat an entire frozen pizza. She would make something on her George Foreman grill. I would go for dessert with the pint of ice cream. She would stare at me and ask, 'Are you really eating that whole thing?!' I would respond 'I already did,' showing her the empty carton.

Thanks for all the good times from dressing up like Mary and Warren for Halloween to FAC's at Bo James where the cups were stacked 10+ high.

(post)secret

Heather introduced me to PostSecret. Intresting books that have shocking and hurtful things postcards sent in from random people. While mine is neither shocking or hurtful, it's truthful.

Thanks Katie for posting yours.

parasol

i'm no lady
but i feel like
i'm the seated woman
watching it sail by
the wind picks it up
i get swept along
swept to the side
it once was good
but now i'll just sit
and watch
watch it sail away



I think the man is as divine as the woman. But I can only go from my own perspective and own experiences. The masculine divineness is pretty ok. Like in the song 'Parasol'. Here a woman has to fight for her way of life. And it's not about a war against terrorists, but a war against a friend, a lover, or a colleague. He doesn't want to respect the choices she makes, the evolution she goes through or the freedom she seeks. He wants to attack her on every level and tries to put her down. This is the problem she has to deal with.
-Tori Amos - OOR Magazine (Dutch), March 2005


then the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
may be the only one
you can’t betray
if I’m the Seated Woman
with a Parasol
I will be safe
in my frame
I will be safe
in my frame
in your House
in your frame

game night

A couple weekends ago Katie invited us to game night after a dinner at Zio's. I love me some games so I accepted the invitation. These are the things I will miss about living here. Calling friends up last minute to have dinner at one of my favorite places and shooting the shit. I have learned to not take these moments for granted. I hold them in my heart and in my thoughts.


As a sidenote, Asleep better get ready for some Twister domination. Because I have discovered I am bad-ass at it.


Thank you Katie for the pictures.

but it's free!

While searching for jobs on craigslist in Long Beach, i came across the 'free' section - because really, who doesn't like free stuff?

Well, I found two ads for free dirt. Yes, that's correct - dirt that is free. I wasn't aware they were starting to charge for something that is basically everywhere - I guess they do that with water.

Brian wants clean dirt though. So he will have to wait. Maybe clean dirt isn't free?

If you are interested in free dirt, you should visit these following links:
free clean dirt
free dirt

perfectly composed

it gets cold
you can see your breath
as you talk
and i like talking to you

then it starts to snow
it falls slow
every single one is different
and i found mine

hexagonal plates fell in the west
funny how it snowed on me there
i let it fall on my tongue
and i knew you were my snowflake

------------------------



Wow, look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad that you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so lets watch the flowers grow
Lets watch the flowers grow

bill on the hill

"The Democratic-controlled House Thursday passed a bill bolstering embryonic stem cell research that advocates say shows promise for numerous medical cures."

"...Embryonic stem cells so far are backed by the most promising evidence that one day they might be used to grow replacements for damaged tissue, such as new insulin-producing cells for diabetics or new nerve connections to restore movement after spinal injury."
-BBSNews

cup of tea with lucifer

i get fixated on one thing sometimes
just one thing at a time
it can consume me
and i deny it
welcome back to the passive plane
but i am on a continuous learning experience
to get away from such a place
but it's good to tap into what is really in there
darkside or not
take a dance with it
and then let it go
that is beautiful

------------------------

I wanted to marry Lucifer. Even though I had a crush on Jesus. Lucifer was the brother holding the space for mankind/womankind to act out their fears and hidden secrets, things they won't acknowledge. That's what the shadow is, the side that's been denied, and once you don't dent your shadow anymore then it's not a perversion of that energy source. I don't consider Lucifer an evil force. We can all tap into that free-running current of distorted energy. Some of my girlfriends - liberal London girls - had a problem with the idea that I was writing a song called 'Father Lucifer.' One of them heard it and cried and said, 'You made him so beautiful,' and I said, 'What if he is beautiful?' Shadow defines light. The shadow is where I hang out because I like chasing and diving with those forces. Although I think my mom would like to tag along and have a dance with him because she's been a minister's wife for so long! But this is not Hollywood's view of Lucifer
Tori Amos
Spin - March 1996



go away girls
they go fast
steve mcqueen plays
it takes him
to a place
where
he saves
pictures of
pictures of
pictures of that day

go away girls
she goes fast
steve mcqueen plays
it takes him
to a place
where
he saves
pictures of
pictures of
pictures of that day

go away girls
she went far
steve mcqueen plays
it takes him
to a place where
he must
try to bring her back

my tree

Leszek Lisowski

i'm going to plant me a tree
with care it will grow
and when it's big enough
i'm going to climb that tree
and watch the city rise
watch the people hustle and bustle
watch the cars race by
watch you chase by
my tree
it will have big branches
strong enough for me to sit
and kick my feet
above your head
because it will be tall enough
for you to not reach me
because once you do
is when the leaves start to turn
and fall
the bark will start to shed
my rings will deteriorate
and i'll be left with nothing
the ground would be my bed
so that's why my branches
will be way above your head

bow down to the taco king

i think everyone should have a chance to eat king taco before they leave this life. it's one of the best places i have ever eaten at. their tacos are the most delicious tacos (asleep's excluded) i have ever tasted. it takes me to a happy place. their hot sauce warms my heart and tingles my lips. mmm...

magic tongue

he knows how to make me melt.

finding the silver lining

This morning my mom woke me up and told me she was on her way to the hospital because Garrett will be in intensive care for 12 hours and that he has diabetes.

Excuse me? Diabetes? I don’t think so.

I went to visit him this morning and he was sleeping. He looked so little in the bed - with IVs coming from his leg. The first thing that comes to mind is how you wish that was you on the bed instead of him - to take away all the pain and trouble.

Now, he is doing fine and should be able to leave the hospital in two or three days. I can’t thank God enough for that. In the end he will be perfectly fine because he's a super trooper.

Yesterday we celebrated his first birthday, which is actually on January 12th. Future birthdays will be filled with Splenda birthday cakes and vegetable trays. I wish it could be easier for him.

to whom it may concern

I have had this feeling for some time. The feeling led me to Iowa City first. It was mostly because my dad had passed away and I wanted to get away from everything that reminded me of him. But a year there led me back home to Carter Lake.

This time is much different. I have visited California three times. I fell in love with it when I stepped off the plane. I don’t know if it’s because I am from the Midwest, but I still get excited whenever I see a palm tree or the ocean. There’s something so beautiful about them. It puts me in a strangely good mood. The sun is different there too. It’s warmer. I look outside and the smile that appears on my face doesn’t seem to leave.

Now, palm trees and the ocean are great and all, but there is a man there that I also fell in love with – more so than the ocean I must admit. I have never felt like this about someone before. I know I’m not aged or have very much experience in relationships. But any type of love I thought I had felt from someone or for someone is nothing like this. I don’t even know how to explain it. Everything is perfectly in place. The puzzle pieces fit – there’s no misshaped parts and the picture is creates when it’s finished is beautiful.

There’s been no death in the family. I’m not running from anything or anyone. I am moving to Long Beach. This won’t be like last time where I move back home when things turn to shit. I am in a very different place in my life - a healthy, happy place.

This said raises concerns for friends and family. Many of my friends are very supportive for my decisions. Some are very indifferent about things. They have yet to meet Asleep and I can understand their concerns. In past relationships I’ve wanted my friends to meet the guy – to judge him and find his downfalls. With Asleep it’s different. There may be judging and such, but I’m not bringing him to them to pass judgment. It’s on a more mature level.

There’s also concern to some of what happens when we break up or things go bad. Well, I’m not a fortune-teller and can’t tell what will or won’t happen. But the thing is – I’m not worried about those things. Mollie said it best when she said, ‘You don’t show a pregnant woman a picture of a handicapped baby and say ‘this could happen to you.’’ He and I have a mutual understanding of what e will be and how we will love one another.

I’m not scared of my decision to move. I’m not leaving my life here. I’m not leaving my family. That’s the good thing about them – they don’t leave you, they will always be there for me. And family and friends are always a flight away.

I will drive to my new home at the end of February. Now you have a reason to visit the west coast. Thank you to those who don’t find me too crazy for my reasoning. To those who think I am out of my mind or say negative things, I love you too, but stop being a Debbie Downer, I’ve always been supportive of you.

such a great beginning

After keeping a secret for a few weeks, I got to surprise Asleep for New Years Eve. I was a little scared that I wouldn’t make it in time due to all the snow in Omaha and getting late into Phoenix, but I made it to Long Beach about five hours before the 2007 ball dropped. I was so excited to see him and by the look of his face he felt the same. That night I got to meet a number of his family. I was nervous they would have the attitude of ‘who the hell are you?’ But it was the opposite – a few of them knew I was coming and everyone was very cool. Midnight rolled along and my first kiss of the year got to be the boy I went to see.

The days to follow were amazing and went too quickly. Cloud 9 couldn’t have been more comfortable. He says I’m the lazy one, but we both know that he is the lazy one. We ate King Taco twice. We discovered one location has this wonderful spicy nacho cheese. He cooked twice for me. You would think Paula Dean taught him to cook, because it’s so damn good. He doesn’t own a microwave – which I find interesting. I ask, ‘how do you make simple things such as popcorn?’ He says he makes it himself. I had that treat the last night I was there while we were watching Ice Age 2 on couch 9. So good.
We got to see the sunset. True, oil refineries and people were asking us for money, but it was with him and that’s what made it perfect. He makes me feel different – better than anyone has ever made me feel. I don’t even know how to describe it. But it’s basically like having the best orgasm all day long. He makes me feel so good about myself. And MMM he is the sexiest guy alive.

One good thing is he will be here in two weeks. One bad thing is, two months will take too long.

happy new years.



meanwhile, back in long beach



dock wall o'clock



me nut? you nut!

asleep's huge package

asleep got his present i sent him. i'm glad he liked it.

as a sidenote: on my post prior to this one, i failed to mention something that happened to me in the year 2006.

I had king taco for the first time. it was amazing. thank you asleep.

wrapping up

The year 2006 has been a very busy one for me. Many people are listing their favorite cd releases of 2006, or a monthly play-by-play. For me, I am horrible with time. I am good at remembering the small details, but somehow losing memory of the larger ones (especially when retelling stories).

But I wanted to compile some sort of list, that gave a brief idea of what I did this past year. In no particular order things will be listed.

I went to London and France. No, I didn't see any underpants. But I went with wonderful people who will always be in my heart and in my presence. This was the first time I crossed an ocean. Part of my heart was left there. In the buildings. In the cobble streets. In the pub around the way. In a pint at that pub. In the churches. In the museums. It is there.

A new nephew. In January my sister had her third child. Garrett Jonathan. He is so beautiful. Just this past month he has learned to walk. My sister told me if she talks about having another kid to punch her in her face.

I graduated from college. Five years of classes. My first year was horrible after achieving a GPA of 1.8. The following year I went to University of Iowa and didn't do much better. The last three years of my college experience was at University of Nebraska Omaha. I love that place. I loved my journalism professors most. You can keep Ms. Gesick and her World Civilizations class. Math knocked on my door my fourth year and continued into my fifth. It was the most difficult thing I did during my college years. But I passed with .1% above the failing grade.

The end of a relationship. The end of June was the end of a three year relationship with Mark. He is a very caring person. In the end, our hearts were in different places. It wasn't mutual. I had to be the bad guy, which is difficult for me - being the passive aggressive person I am. But it was best for both of us, I just hope he knows that.

A new job. I started interning at obi in February after meeting TJ at a bar. He thought I was hitting on him after he told me he worked for a marketing collective and I asked for his business card. What he didn't know was I really needed an internship. After graduation I came on full-time. obi has given me great opportunities. I have gotten to travel - which is something I love. It has sent me to California twice. Which I can't thank them enough for.

A new love. More than a relationship. It's still new. But it doesn't feel awkward or clumsy like many new things can be. I remember sending a message to Asleep saying I thought his tattoos were rad. From there whatever we had started its course. I first met him in July when I was out in California for work. We lost contact for three months or so, until I went back in November. Since the second time I saw him, things were different - in a good way.

My first tattoo. In May I got something I have wanted for five years. The zodiac symbol for Jupiter. My favorite song. My ruling planet. Loss. New things to come. My dad. So much in something so little.

I came out. Something I had wanted to do for years.

New car. I had to wave goodbye to Mary. A girl that has taken care of me for quite some time. She had the best seats in the world. Plush and comfy are an understatement. I welcomed Alice into my life. She fits me. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

These are just a few of the things that have happened this past year. They will all stay with me. They're on my map. I'll be interested seeing where my map takes me next year.

asleep

i am in love with this guy.

he makes my face hurt from smiling so much. i see him when i close my eyes before i go to bed - and when i open them in the morning. he makes me laugh. he makes me feel. he makes me see. he makes me want. he makes me tingle. he makes me dream. he makes me excited. he makes sand lovers with me. he makes me...a lot of things. some i can't mention. because that would be naughty.

Cloud 9. Mexican blankets I found are quite nice and warm.

Ice cream run. Followed by the 101 on how to make a sundae.


soon, i will get to wake up to the real thing. and that makes me happy.

eskimo

kosketa minua
älä käsilläsi
vaan niin että tunnen sinut

kosketa minua
älä käsilläsi
mutta sielussasi

another paradise

New Orleans is warm and balmy with the smell of honeysuckle in the air. But Scarlet is grappling with covetousness in ANOTHER GIRL'S PARADISE. Her travels take her through Florida and to Hawaii, before she returns to Miami. "All the time she's having a conversation with desire. And she realises that very few of us can genuinely wish each other good in a selfless way."
-Scarlet's Walk Bio

I feel the post I wrote last night was a tad bit Debbie Downer (wah-wah-wahhhh). I apologize. I also feel I sounded like I wanted something - someone else's drug, or whatever it is, to help them do whatever it is they need to do. I was laying in bed last night and thought of this song. I think we all have this problem, in some form or another, of wanting what isn't ours. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. For me, I am content with what I have. But at times, I see people with their fathers still here, and I want that.

-------------------------

you caught me lingering
in another girl's
paradise
the way she paints
the world --
I want that in my
life

Emeralds, you should know,
are renting in her meadow
with a stroke
beauty lives
how could I resist
you are Desire

when it all is said
said and done
who can Love you
and still be standing
there's Mary calling
up a storm
can I take from you
and not keep taking
naked as day
Gemma follows him
Does it all come down to
the thing one girl fears
in the night
is another girl's paradise

through twists and turns
Jasmine foxed me
in her grove
arms filled with
Honeybells, St. Michaels
Sanford Bloods

"you have come to discover
what you want"
what i want is not to
want what isn't mine
"But I am Desire"

Another Girl's Paradise - Tori Amos

happy, for the most part

i am not sure how to start this. or end it. so it will be mostly body.

i like to think of myself as a chipper soul. a happy one. never very gloomy. this catches up to me. i had a couple of chats with asleep. we talked of why he doesn't care too much for the christmas season. i, however, love it. i love going shopping and picking out presents for everyone. but when you are sitting there, around all this family, the past seems to find their way in the crowded room. people mentioning how amazing your father is. and how it leaves a hole in their heart. and how that hole will never be filled back in.

i know of this hole. it follows me everyday. every night. this hole rides in the car with me. goes to work with me. has conversations. i wish my whole wasn't my dad. it would make things much more easy. but i don't know this for sure. snow falls in the hole. it makes no noise.

asleep also mentions how he draws when he is feeling down. his drug. his aunt described him drawing beautifully. a lot like two people making love. i can't wait to get the chance to watch him draw. breathe it in. anyways, my point being - he has an escape - art. my escape is missing to go to a place where everyone disappears. i want something like that. it's a lot like a trade. i have one - but tj seems to think it's me. myself as a trade. i'm not sure if i get that. but being me doesn't help me escape. being me isn't like my drug. but maybe being me is what i do well, always happy, never very gloomy. never thinking about things. always moving. never sitting. well, sitting long enough to write this.

i do need to clean my room. pick up the next chapter to my book. do laundry. call people. just not sit.

merry baby jebus day everyone.

famous blue raincoat

Danelle Petersen

There's a song I love - Famous Blue Raincoat. It's one of those songs where it gets inside your heart and feel it - as a person - or past relationship, or even friendship. It's beautiful. It makes me think of this time of the year - and how you sometimes feel alone even though there's a number of people around you...

-------------------------

it's four in the morning, the end of december
i'm writing you now just to see if you're better
new york is cold, but i like where i'm living
there's music on clinton street all through the evening.

i hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
you're living for nothing now, i hope you're keeping some kind of record.

yes, and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear
did you ever go clear?

ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
you'd been to the station to meet every train
and you came home without lili marlene

and you treated my woman to a flake of your life
and when she came back she was nobody's wife.

well i see you there with the rose in your teeth
one more thin gypsy thief
well i see jane's awake --

she sends her regards.

and what can i tell you my brother, my killer
what can i possibly say?
i guess that i miss you,
i guess i forgive you
i'm glad you stood in my way.

if you ever come by here, for jane or for me
your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
i thought it was there for good so i never tried.

and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear --

sincerely, leonard cohen


To listen to Leonard's version.
To listen to Tori's version.

jimbo dirt

This is what happens when you have a lot of time to do lunch. You wind up in a Jessica Simpson hair clip-on thingy. This is my wt rock out pose. I think I look white hot.

Thank you Danelle and Ashley for such a hairy good time.

anxiety (hard to wait)

i don't know what it is
maybe it was the fog this morning
-which i love
maybe it's the lack of sunshine
outside
in my life
maybe it's the rushing of events
of things
of words
waiting for things to come

i've never been any good
at waiting patiently for something
i want it right now
how do you learn something like that?
can it be taught?
or is it something you acquire with age?

i have lots of questions for feelings like these
and i've been having overwhelming feelings
maybe it's the soundtrack that plays
or my mind racing
of thoughts
of him
(i love thinking of him-
i do it often)
and having to wait
but while i wait
nothing is on pause
i don't recall anything ever being paused

i think part of this anxiety
might be my career
it isn't bad
but i feel lazy
i like feeling lazy
but not in this way

i've been having a lot of those moments
lately
where you are driving
or walking
or sitting
talking
to yourself
or with a friend
where you just know
of a perfect song
that should be inserted
into the background
because it's right
so, since there is no boom box in the sky
it plays in your head
or maybe just parts
or a verse or two
wouldn't that be nice if there was a giant boom box in the sky?
but until there is
all you can do is wait

------------------------

show your light to the real world
they can´t see, thay can´t see
show your heart to the whole world
let them know, let them know

after all we´re only looking for a light
just someone to hold us close
after all we´re only looking for a love
just something to make it right

show a smile if you´re lonely
don´t break your heart, don´t break your heart
just find something to believe in
and hold it tight, hold it tight

after all we´re only looking for a life
just someone to hold us close
after all we´re only looking for a love
just something to make it right

After All - Mojave 3

two words

Elefant - Asleep

isn’t it funny
how two little words
mean so much
when you say them
to a certain someone
the weight of an elephant
is lifted off your shoulders
funny how
you can say those two words to anyone on the street
to any one of your friends
or co-workers
but to a certain someone
the two words get lodged in your throat
and you can barely cough them out
that elephant
found its way in the way of the words
and won’t budge
but
you get enough strength to move it
and those two words pour out
quickly
because you can’t stutter them
‘i’m gay’
comes out
finally
after so many years
of wanting to say two words
of tip-toeing around
they come out
and that elephant is gone
out of my throat
and off my shoulders

welcome back/holiday party

Last Friday was the obi holiday party. It was insane. I was part of the planning crew and it's so nice to be done with it and see how it ended. The video is what we put together for our boss who had been gone for about six months. We missed her.



Danelle also took a ton of pictures that evening. I turned into Patrick Swayze near the end of the eveing - and a stripper pole for all the ladies. I was a hot mess. Enjoy.

Me and Danelle. She tried telling me I was drunk. Yeah right!


Is that wrong that my boss dirty danced with me? Maybe it will get me a raise?

peter

On my run
My lungs filled with cold air
Freezing the inside
Then a song with angels came on
Then there he was
Running in front of me
Peter
We talked
About me
Him
Trees
Crossing the street
Going west
My mom
Asleep
I told him to slow down
Because my lungs were cold
And out of air
We ran past the lake
The wind from the north was strong
And not the least bit warm
We ran past the forest
He went through the trees
I stayed on the road
Peter can’t tell me what to do
Just lead me the way
I tell myself
To cross the street
And head west
He will be there
In front of me
Peter
The whole way
Pulling his wagon
Never slowing down
Peter
In front of me
Leading the whole way

one great day

Yesterday was my birthday. I love this day. It's one of my most favorite days of the year. It's my day - to be king, to play, to not have any responsibilities, to do as I please.

Yesterday was also a good day for presents. My first one of the day was from Danelle. She was up in Sewer City for a photo shoot and found a bar who carried Strongbow. She schmoozed with the bartendar to let her take home. And that was a good present.

She also gave me my birthday orange. I love him.

Then, a package I have been waiting for since last Friday arrived. It was from Asleep. I am not patient at all, but his gifts to me were worth the wait. I loved every single thing - from the shoelaces to the Jimmy Tree (my favorite). I can't thank you enough for what you do or how you make me feel. x

That evening a large group of us went to have a nice Italian dinner. A few friends from Portland were in town for the OBI Holiday Party and Diva from San Diego was in.

Mollie looked amazing. J-Lo is not even competition.

Mr. Joel and Danelle. They always make me happy.

Jon Hustead - aire to the throne of Wall Drug. It's always enjoyable to sit and chat with him because his words make me laugh.

Jen is from Portland. She is a power house. That's why I love her. And TJ - thank you for dinner, you're such a great friend. And yes, I just knew you were going to make a toast. That is why I brought you along - just because I knew no one else would make a speech quite like you.

After dinner we went to see Little Brazil. I asked my pal Greg if they could play my 80s favorite, Bette Davis Eyes. I was hopeful, until Greg told me they decided against it. I was a sad boy. But you can't keep me down - I had an amazing group of people around me - amazing presents - and an amazing day.

Thank you Mollie, Gina, Katie, Babe, and Danelle for your kind words. Your words hug my heart and make me grateful I have friends like you.

Gina - I forgive you for putting those horrible picture up of me. You were told to burn them, but yet they have made their way to all of the world. I just pray that I don't look like that anymore.

to danelle

to danelle
somedays i like to call you darnelle
you know why
i came across this picture
it made me smile
just as you always make me do
with your bear hugs
and your laugh
and your mr. joel
in a couple weeks
you won't have my last name
you'll have another
but that's ok
thank you
for scheduling my classes for me
even if i didn't need them
for listening to all of my complaining
for being my partner in crime
my other shadow
for staying up on a bus with me
when it was raining
hammers and nails
for always getting ice cream with me


for getting yelled at by professors for always talking
for telling it wasn't madison, wi
for getting me addicted to myspace
for never judging
you're welcome
for using all of my school books
i didn't mind
thank you
for making me sign up
for that trip
let's go back soon
and good luck
with mr. joel
you don't need it
it's already there
love you

gone postal

This makes me one excited guy!

blow me

Last weekend I went to my new friend Corey's exhibit. His trade is a glass blower, among other things. I bought two pieces that I think are pretty rad. One for my mom's Christmas present and the other a present to me. I don't have an idea where to put it. But someday I will have a kick ass kitchen table, and it will sit there, for all to gaze upon.

Corey had a showing with several other artists on Saturday. There were quite a few people that showed up. I asked him if he was shitting bricks because so many people are around his work and they could be easily knocked over. He responded, "I'm not above making someone pay for it." So people, remember, you break - you buy.

brand new kicks

I got new kickers over the weekend. I can't remember the last time I bought a pair of Nike's, but I love these. Michael informs me they are good and limited edition - part of the Adventure Pack.

I may have opened the flood gates of a new shoe fetish. I guess time will tell.

come together

On Thursday evening my mom took us out for me and my sister's birthdays. We had good steak and really good dessert.

We gambled - I have no such luck at anything. But Dawn and Todd both won over $50. I was pumped just to win back $0.02 on the $20 my mom gave me to use.

The four of us don't get to spend time very much, so it was awesome sitting at a table with them. Next time though, I won't be gambling.

And for the days following, my mom and I have spent every day together. It's so cool. I love her. I help picked the new color for our bathroom, the shower curtain and towels. She also bought my my birthday/Christmas present yesterday...which will come this week (and you will know when it does). I think she should move to California with me.

100 more things

A list of 100 more things I need to do with Asleep.

101. ride a two seat bicycle
102. build sand castles
103. eat cinnamon rolls at farmhouse
104. go to a tori amos concert together
105. count shooting stars
106. get in a water balloon fight
107. have sex on the beach
108. draw pictures of each other on napkins over a cup of coffee
109. hide things and make up riddles on where to find them
110. climb a tree
111. make a tree house
112. bring him to omaha
113. go sledding
114. make hot chocolate with a lot of alcohol to get him drunk and take advantage of him
115. learn how to surf
116. camp
117. make s’mores
118. race each other – the loser has to do something for the winner
119. go to a playground late at night and swing
120. go to the zoo
121. ride an elephant
122. make him breakfast in bed
123. leave post-it notes for the other to find
124. go to an island for a week – with no electricity or tourists
125. open a t-shirt store
126. take an ice cream bath
127. stay in bed for three days
128. throw a dart at a map and visit that place
129. start a bar fight
130. have a snow ball fight
131. crash a wedding
132. learn how to play a new instrument and start a band
133. be in the newspaper for a unicorn sighting
134. hit on random strangers together – and then hit the other apologizing to the stranger the other has multiple personalities and is off their meds
135. take naps
136. do cartwheels in the sidewalk
137. make home movies
138. help and elderly woman cross the street
139. paint a fence
140. volunteer at the humane society for a day or two
141. start a lawn service named We’ll Trim Your Bush
142. drive on the 101 for fun
143. fool around on a busy elevator
144. race up the Eiffel tower
145. leave our favorite pictures for strangers to find
146. win best costumes at a Halloween party
147. trick or treat
148. river raft in Colorado
149. play super Mario brothers
150. watch the sunrise
151. trust each other
152. laugh until it hurts
153. give each other code names
154. go through a car was with the windows down
155. rock climb
156. carve wood
157. do the crab walk
158. write a romance novel
159. fix something
160. not take advantage of time spent
161. watch him work
162. stay up all night
163. build a fort in the living room and sleep there
164. egg mean people’s cars
165. throw a luau party
166. tell each other ghost stories
167. tell people about the magical fairies that live in the trees
168. breathe each other in, often
169. 69 100 times
170. read each other’s horoscopes
171. get each other out of bad moods
172. draw maps on each other
173. see who can blow the biggest bubble
174. prank call random people from the phone book
175. call in sick and play board games
176. connect the dots
177. get our cards read
178. play naked twister
179. decorate a Christmas tree
180. watch our favorite movies over and over
181. pose with Janice Dickenson
182. hike through the mountains
183. make a Christmas list and send it to the north pole
184. not to get arrested for doing these
185. give each other piggyback rides when our feet are tired
186. play ring-around-the-rosy with nuns
187. re-start a hair band
188. Throw each other the best birthday party EVER
189. play strip poker
190. start a radio show called Deaf Man Listening
191. give each other massages
192. really buy that sex swing, no gift wrapping necessary
193. go sailing
194. love
195. slip’n’slide
196. find waldo
197. drive through Compton at night
198. not get shot
199. keep each other warm
200. do everything on the list

ding! fries are done

This video made me piss myself laughing. Enjoy.

hungry hungry homo's

What do you know - another video with me and friends eating. We had a new idea for a youtube show called Hungry Hungry Homo's. Our waiter would animate Japanese women in it. They will be evil villains called the Lactose Intolerant Lesbians, who will wear flannel. We get some other laughs in, for this was a good lunch.

this is for a certain someone...

love you.



she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront, she says
all she needs is therapy
all you need is love is all you need

dawn's birthday

Today is my sister's birthday. My only one. Thank God I only have one.

She turned 31 today. I hope this is better than when she turned 30 - she was pregnant with her third child, she couldn't drink and she was emotional. Today - she has three children, she drinks and I believe she is still emotional.

Growing up we didn't get along. Being seven years younger, I was always in her business, trying to hang out with her friends and always playing with her Barbie's. Yes, I was one of those weird kids who always made the Barbie's have sex with each other.

She got me back though. She would dress me up in girl clothes and take pictures of me. She would hit me a lot. Yell and scream at me to stay away from her - or to get out of her room.

I tried to follow in her footsteps. She played the violin - I played the violin. She played soccer - I played soccer. But something was off - she was competitive and I wasn't.

We got closer when she moved away. If that makes any sense. I was in fifth grade when she went off to Iowa State University. I remember getting an ISU T-Shirt for Christmas and thinking she was the coolest sister ever.

After college she moved back, engaged with Todd - her boyfriend since high school. It was nice having her back. She didn't hit me or yell at me this time. We were no longer just brother and sister - we were friends.

Today we can talk about anything. I love how she lives next door. I can walk 50 paces to the south if I ever have a problem or just want to chat. It's funny to think of my sister as a mom. But she is. A wonderful woman with three amazing children. A great husband. A the best brother anyone could ever ask for.

Happy Birthday Dawn.

foodgasm

bloggers unite

Once again more than one person who happens to have a blog was in the same room. This time though, there were several. Isn't it funny sometimes...

Nancy, Tiffany, Heather, Mollie, Natalie, Me, Michael, and Katie.

gina's birthday

One more year older - she gets more beautiful with age.

Gina and I go back - to the ages - near the beginning. The memories I have of her and I are locked in my heart and will always be there.

One of the first memories of her being when she broken her ankle and had to wear a moon boot. I was in her grandparent's basebment (they lived across the street from me) with my friend/her cousin Sara. Heather (not yet Gina) talked about how much her leg smelled and itched from not being able to take the cast off. She found a large paper mache flower with a wooden stem from Lord knows where. She took the stem and dug it into her cast and itched furiously, Watching this made me laugh until it turned to tears. This is when I knew I needed her in my life and we would be together for quite awhile.

You can also blame her for my obsession of Tori Amos.

She was also the first person I told I was gay. Yes, she had to drag it out of me in the only way it would come out - which involved lots of crying and three hours spent on her bed staring at each other with no speaking. But it was all worth it. I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's these things I would never take back. I love her with my whole heart. And it will never change.

Happy Birthday Gina.

One word: champagne on top. Ok, that was three - but who's counting after a pitcher of campagne?

Doesn't it look like they are fighting over me? Oh yes, all the girls want me.

Two of Omaha's sexiest men.

This is one of the funniest pictures of Mollie and I. We were either passing judgement on someone or found out the we were having a child together.

More photos.

wait

The words say it all. And um, that's about it.



Airplanes
take you away again
Are you flying
above where we live
Then I look up
a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I’m not but
I like rivers that
rush in
so then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
for you the acrobat
I won’t push you
unless you have a net

You say the word
you know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don’t mind
I don’t hold on
to the tail of your kite
I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly then
boy

Balloons
look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly boy

cleaning out the shells

So, this was my first attempt to make a video that is actually...well, a video. This is Apollo and Marta's second debut - their first being from Gina. I hope you enjoy. I still need to work on it - but due to my shitacular computer I am limited in some aspects of movie making.



Drink the water drink it down
This time I know I'm bound
To spit it back up
I didn't want this
Salty substitute, just not going to do
I need some air, if I'm going to live through
This experience reminds me of a clock
That just won't tick

I want to wake up
From this concussion
But my dream is just not done
I'm late again,
It's just one of those
Bad days look outside and
Be careful what you ride
You just might find
That you're out of time
To swim ashore
If I drift long enough
I'll be home

Jack Johnson - Drink the Water