history repeats itself.

i saw photos of him.
in the same restaurants.
same scenes.
many of the same situations.

history repeats itself.

the way we react.
the way we communicate.
the things we fight about.
things seem to reverse
and play
all over again.

oh, how history repeats itself.


you're already in there
i'll be wearing your tattoo
i'm already in circles and circles and circles again
the girl's in circles and circles got to stop spinning
circles and circles and circles again
thought i was over the bridge now



reactions. we all have them. some tend to be a little harsh and on the cruel side. sometimes they never come at all. we just sit and wait for it to come. sometimes we look for other's reactions.

they come in all shapes and sizes. colors and density. temperature and meaning.

i have always reacted with my first thought. not really thinking about its affects on other people. i'm quick to act or speak out in the instance something happens. i am learning this isn't always the best approah for getting your idea across.

i write with the intentions to speak my mind. not for others to react. well, why put it out there if you don't want people to respond to it. because let's face it, people read it and have a reaction, whether it's good or bad. i read them. it can hurt - it can make me have a great feeling too.

certain times, we get ourselves into situations where we can't physically react. in my head, so many things need to be said. but i know i can't.

here is to reactions. making them public. keeping them private. keeping them thoughful. keeping them in the best interest of others.

(get well soon).



I’m lost
I don’t know how I got this way
But I am
I had no idea this time was coming
That I would get these feelings

I mean when I say
I love you
I can’t erase that
Or the photographs
Or you
From my memory
Of all the moments
I can’t do that
Like you maybe can do

I know it’s easier for you
To act in that way
Which is fine
If it makes you hate me more
Because it’s true
I’m an asshole
Have I always been that way?

I lost something
If you find it
Let me know



baker baker

This is how I feel.
(I'm sorry)

i know you're late for your next parade
you came to make sure that i'm not running
well i ran from him in all kinds of ways
guess it was his turn this time

thought i'd make friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder if he's ok
if you see him say hi

velvet revolution

The Velvet Revolution (November 16 - December 29, 1989) is a bloodless, non-violent revolution in Czechoslovakia that saw the overthrow of the Marxist-Leninist government.

I wish all things could work out better with no war - no bloodshed. It takes tears to get us where we need to be, or where we ought to be. Change can come with soft touches, no weapons but the ones of our mouthes. And hands holding flowers as a sign of peace.

Feeling radical in cotton
Purified in my Satin
But the bomb of the season
Is a velvet revolution

Look at the sky
And feel the tears
Of the prophets crying
Look at the sky
And feel the rain
Their reign of tears
Feeling radical in cotton

Purified in my Satin
But the bomb of the season
Is a velvet revolution

All you killers of the children
There’s a new commandment
The true divine creator
Wants a velvet revolution
All you killers of the children
There’s a new commandment
The true divine creator
Wants a velvet revolution


wash it away

Tori's new video, Big Wheel!

From memory, I've never seen a video like this. It is just photos pieced together, but there is something about it.

used to think

Little Brazil showing the world how they roll on 'MTV Cribs.'

Awesome job Chris and Meredith!



play those keys
if you can
we may have just missed each other
on one end of the plane
play those keys
through the night
a beautiful melody
was played from the start
play those keys
you stand in the corner
and sit on my bench
you're wearing that red shirt
play those keys
funny, because i can't
it's all imaginary images
clips of film in our heads
play those keys
you played them so well
played a love song
a love song so short
play those keys
i can't hear the rest of the tune
ivory mixing with black
can you feel the grey


your cloud

The past few days feels as if i've not been here. I'm talking about in my body here, on earth here. It's a lot like walking through a strange dream, one you won't remember many of the details because it seemed to bounce and skip, not recalling certain clips. The clips before all of it were not of those of nightmares, but of calmness. Somewhere the dark clouds rolled in my head, and the storm broke. I so much wanted to find cover from the harshness of the winds and rain, but it appeared to be missing. Is it still there? Can it be found? Can we find our cloud we once called ours, or do we pick out our own cloud?

your cloud

Who we were
isn't lost
Before we were
Indigo in his
Blue always
knew this
if the rain
to separate from
Itself does it say
pick out your

If there is a Horizontal Line
that runs from the MAP
off your body straight through
the Land shooting up
right through my heart
Will this Horizontal Line
when asked know how to find
Where you end
where I begin
"pick out your

"Here she goes uhh trundling across the country making her way somewhere, not quite sure where it's leading her. But she goes to the Mississippi and not far out of Memphis is where umm there's a national monument. There's this acknowledgment of where alot of the Cherokees died, didn't make it to Indian territory on the Trail of Tears, where alot of them perished. And in Your Cloud, so much of it is about segregation - even of a raindrop. The separation that the tearing apart of a tear, extracting that. Cutting that apart - the division. It's about separating that which you cannot separate. Not really. There will be strands, there will be molecules. And taking those people from their land. The land of the ancestors. Taking a child away from it's mother. That doesn't mean that there aren't pieces of that child still in that mother just because it's been, you know, delivered from her womb. Because a couple separates doesn't mean that there aren't pieces of him still in her."
-Tori Amos, Scarlet Stories


come again?

driving for 30 hours in two days wears on a person. somewhere, somehow, a different route was taken than the first. you can ask thousands of questions of which was would have been better - but the fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter. what matters is where you are now.

where am i?
i'm still not home.
i still feel like i've failed at something very special in my life.
i still am wondering what to do next.

i'm also wondering what is going on with the two posts below this. i am very sad to see how some have reacted to this. if it comes off that i was bashing what asleep and i had, it wasn't meant in that way. i understand his friends - or people who have something against me - writing in his favor. the thing is, it isn't about sides. it's about maturity. Many of you have this quality, and it shines. Others, on the other hand, lack it very deeply. I know of one of you, it makes me sad...

You call yourself a friend
you wait in caves
watching for the slightest bit of disaster
you add water to a small dispute
you thrive on its vines
you wrap yourself in them
until they choke others
the vines replace your friends
and you will find yourself
with just that
and no room for friends
in your cave
(i hope you're pleased)

Again, please stop with the childish remarks. It's painful enough to go through what just happened, but to read people's opinions who have surfaced just for this occasion hurts a bit.


life support

i thank my friends and family for the kind words, calls and gestures - you're all irreplacable.

as for the bitter lesbian comments who remain annonymous because of whatever reason, fuck off.


and so it is

i don't know where to start or where to end this.
i'm running on low fuel with mixed emotions on every aspect of my decision.
Yesterday, after I was asked what my decision is - whether to stay in Long Beach or go back home - things fell, not so much into place.

How does someone who says they love you one moment and that they want you to stay -
flip into their shadow side, one i never knew they had, and say the things they say.

'you should make it as quick as possible.'
'when are you leaving? i can't have you here.'
'don't take anything that doesn't belong to you'
'do you have anything left? i don't want you coming back.'

what? do you not know me? i never realized i steal from people.
and i never realized you had those words or thoughts inside you.
leaving was difficult. making that decision was difficult.
it wasn't anything like do you want ranch or italian dressing on your salad-
or should i buy this shirt in green or black?
it was a decision that was going to be hard on me, and the people around me, either way.

i have no hard feelings towards him.
no feelings of bitterness.
i do apologize for breaking certain promises we made to each other.
i apologize for not communicating as well as i should have.
i apologize for not having an understanding to the stresses in your life.

i don't apologize for wanting to be with my family and friends.
true, you were my new family.
but family doesn't ignore your calls, among other things.
when asked if he would move from his family, a quick 'no'
jumped off his lips - followed by a recovery of 'well, if i did, i would visit often.'
that gave me the beginning to my final decision.

i thought of my mom, and wanting to spend more time with her.
i thought of my sister, brother-in-law and the kids.
i want to see their soccer games, their finger painted pictures, and the little moments in life.

and my friends
they make me who i am
they mean the world to me
hopefully if friends mean the same to you
you will talk with them more
and stop avoiding them for whatever reasons at times.

if myspace and blogs are such 'bullshit'
why do you look at it everyday?
why didn't you just delete it completely?
why do you still post things?
just be honest.

i've worn myself out of asking questions like those.
i wish you were one for goodbyes - or even a see you later.
but you acted in the way you thought was best for you.
everyone needs a certain amount of armor.
i don't know how much i have, if any.
i carry a tongue that is quick to speak at times-
but i have left all swords and shields far from here.
because i didn't need them with you - i'm sorry you felt you needed them with me.
it was hard to see you never cry in front of me.
maybe i'm too emotional
or maybe that's your armor.
i'm sorry you feel the need to take down videos of us-
when certain ones remained up.

i thank you for the dates we had - the dinners and movies.
thank you for king taco, it really is the best.
thank you for making me feel loved like you did,
because when the forces were in line, it was magical.
i hope your back will be ok, along with the rest of your health.
i am sorry for making a decision that has left you angry with me.
maybe someday you will look past it,
so we don't end up like bitter, alcoholic 80-year-old women.



My nephew Garrett was diagnosed with Juvenile Type 1 diabetes a week before his first birthday. He is doing very well and has proven himself a tough guy. On August 11, 2007, my brother-in-law, Todd, will be running for the cure - they say there can be a cure within our lifetime!

Please help support Todd's run for the cure here. Thank you.


was a different day
more so than any others
i prayed
for the first time
in months
i sat in church
with strangers
i watched a movie
with strangers
i filled strangers
in my world
to feel less lonely
about communication
tears fell
in front of strangers
my mind is fatigued
from all the thinking
and rationalizing
i'd like to sleep
but i find myself
in empty rooms
on an empty cloud


hijacked jesus

"The way to really combat the right wing is to not be subservient to them on any level, particularly when it comes to ideology," she continued. "Therefore, you better offer up another ideology that can combat theirs, and as a preacher's daughter, I understand their ideology inside and out. Frankly, they've all hijacked Jesus and his message. I'm sorry, but 'Love thy neighbor as yourself' is nowhere to be found, especially in our current regime, who, in the name of God, is sending our young men and women to die over there [in the Middle East]."

Tori Amos Forms Anti-Bush Posse By Mutating Into Greek Goddesses