asleep's huge package

asleep got his present i sent him. i'm glad he liked it.

as a sidenote: on my post prior to this one, i failed to mention something that happened to me in the year 2006.

I had king taco for the first time. it was amazing. thank you asleep.

wrapping up

The year 2006 has been a very busy one for me. Many people are listing their favorite cd releases of 2006, or a monthly play-by-play. For me, I am horrible with time. I am good at remembering the small details, but somehow losing memory of the larger ones (especially when retelling stories).

But I wanted to compile some sort of list, that gave a brief idea of what I did this past year. In no particular order things will be listed.

I went to London and France. No, I didn't see any underpants. But I went with wonderful people who will always be in my heart and in my presence. This was the first time I crossed an ocean. Part of my heart was left there. In the buildings. In the cobble streets. In the pub around the way. In a pint at that pub. In the churches. In the museums. It is there.

A new nephew. In January my sister had her third child. Garrett Jonathan. He is so beautiful. Just this past month he has learned to walk. My sister told me if she talks about having another kid to punch her in her face.

I graduated from college. Five years of classes. My first year was horrible after achieving a GPA of 1.8. The following year I went to University of Iowa and didn't do much better. The last three years of my college experience was at University of Nebraska Omaha. I love that place. I loved my journalism professors most. You can keep Ms. Gesick and her World Civilizations class. Math knocked on my door my fourth year and continued into my fifth. It was the most difficult thing I did during my college years. But I passed with .1% above the failing grade.

The end of a relationship. The end of June was the end of a three year relationship with Mark. He is a very caring person. In the end, our hearts were in different places. It wasn't mutual. I had to be the bad guy, which is difficult for me - being the passive aggressive person I am. But it was best for both of us, I just hope he knows that.

A new job. I started interning at obi in February after meeting TJ at a bar. He thought I was hitting on him after he told me he worked for a marketing collective and I asked for his business card. What he didn't know was I really needed an internship. After graduation I came on full-time. obi has given me great opportunities. I have gotten to travel - which is something I love. It has sent me to California twice. Which I can't thank them enough for.

A new love. More than a relationship. It's still new. But it doesn't feel awkward or clumsy like many new things can be. I remember sending a message to Asleep saying I thought his tattoos were rad. From there whatever we had started its course. I first met him in July when I was out in California for work. We lost contact for three months or so, until I went back in November. Since the second time I saw him, things were different - in a good way.

My first tattoo. In May I got something I have wanted for five years. The zodiac symbol for Jupiter. My favorite song. My ruling planet. Loss. New things to come. My dad. So much in something so little.

I came out. Something I had wanted to do for years.

New car. I had to wave goodbye to Mary. A girl that has taken care of me for quite some time. She had the best seats in the world. Plush and comfy are an understatement. I welcomed Alice into my life. She fits me. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

These are just a few of the things that have happened this past year. They will all stay with me. They're on my map. I'll be interested seeing where my map takes me next year.



i am in love with this guy.

he makes my face hurt from smiling so much. i see him when i close my eyes before i go to bed - and when i open them in the morning. he makes me laugh. he makes me feel. he makes me see. he makes me want. he makes me tingle. he makes me dream. he makes me excited. he makes sand lovers with me. he makes me...a lot of things. some i can't mention. because that would be naughty.

Cloud 9. Mexican blankets I found are quite nice and warm.

Ice cream run. Followed by the 101 on how to make a sundae.

soon, i will get to wake up to the real thing. and that makes me happy.


kosketa minua
älä käsilläsi
vaan niin että tunnen sinut

kosketa minua
älä käsilläsi
mutta sielussasi


another paradise

New Orleans is warm and balmy with the smell of honeysuckle in the air. But Scarlet is grappling with covetousness in ANOTHER GIRL'S PARADISE. Her travels take her through Florida and to Hawaii, before she returns to Miami. "All the time she's having a conversation with desire. And she realises that very few of us can genuinely wish each other good in a selfless way."
-Scarlet's Walk Bio

I feel the post I wrote last night was a tad bit Debbie Downer (wah-wah-wahhhh). I apologize. I also feel I sounded like I wanted something - someone else's drug, or whatever it is, to help them do whatever it is they need to do. I was laying in bed last night and thought of this song. I think we all have this problem, in some form or another, of wanting what isn't ours. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. For me, I am content with what I have. But at times, I see people with their fathers still here, and I want that.


you caught me lingering
in another girl's
the way she paints
the world --
I want that in my

Emeralds, you should know,
are renting in her meadow
with a stroke
beauty lives
how could I resist
you are Desire

when it all is said
said and done
who can Love you
and still be standing
there's Mary calling
up a storm
can I take from you
and not keep taking
naked as day
Gemma follows him
Does it all come down to
the thing one girl fears
in the night
is another girl's paradise

through twists and turns
Jasmine foxed me
in her grove
arms filled with
Honeybells, St. Michaels
Sanford Bloods

"you have come to discover
what you want"
what i want is not to
want what isn't mine
"But I am Desire"

Another Girl's Paradise - Tori Amos


happy, for the most part

i am not sure how to start this. or end it. so it will be mostly body.

i like to think of myself as a chipper soul. a happy one. never very gloomy. this catches up to me. i had a couple of chats with asleep. we talked of why he doesn't care too much for the christmas season. i, however, love it. i love going shopping and picking out presents for everyone. but when you are sitting there, around all this family, the past seems to find their way in the crowded room. people mentioning how amazing your father is. and how it leaves a hole in their heart. and how that hole will never be filled back in.

i know of this hole. it follows me everyday. every night. this hole rides in the car with me. goes to work with me. has conversations. i wish my whole wasn't my dad. it would make things much more easy. but i don't know this for sure. snow falls in the hole. it makes no noise.

asleep also mentions how he draws when he is feeling down. his drug. his aunt described him drawing beautifully. a lot like two people making love. i can't wait to get the chance to watch him draw. breathe it in. anyways, my point being - he has an escape - art. my escape is missing to go to a place where everyone disappears. i want something like that. it's a lot like a trade. i have one - but tj seems to think it's me. myself as a trade. i'm not sure if i get that. but being me doesn't help me escape. being me isn't like my drug. but maybe being me is what i do well, always happy, never very gloomy. never thinking about things. always moving. never sitting. well, sitting long enough to write this.

i do need to clean my room. pick up the next chapter to my book. do laundry. call people. just not sit.

merry baby jebus day everyone.


famous blue raincoat

There's a song I love - Famous Blue Raincoat. It's one of those songs where it gets inside your heart and feel it - as a person - or past relationship, or even friendship. It's beautiful. It makes me think of this time of the year - and how you sometimes feel alone even though there's a number of people around you...


it's four in the morning, the end of december
i'm writing you now just to see if you're better
new york is cold, but i like where i'm living
there's music on clinton street all through the evening.

i hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
you're living for nothing now, i hope you're keeping some kind of record.

yes, and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear
did you ever go clear?

ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
you'd been to the station to meet every train
and you came home without lili marlene

and you treated my woman to a flake of your life
and when she came back she was nobody's wife.

well i see you there with the rose in your teeth
one more thin gypsy thief
well i see jane's awake --

she sends her regards.

and what can i tell you my brother, my killer
what can i possibly say?
i guess that i miss you,
i guess i forgive you
i'm glad you stood in my way.

if you ever come by here, for jane or for me
your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
i thought it was there for good so i never tried.

and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear --

sincerely, leonard cohen

To listen to Leonard's version.
To listen to Tori's version.


jimbo dirt

This is what happens when you have a lot of time to do lunch. You wind up in a Jessica Simpson hair clip-on thingy. This is my wt rock out pose. I think I look white hot.

Thank you Danelle and Ashley for such a hairy good time.

anxiety (hard to wait)

i don't know what it is
maybe it was the fog this morning
-which i love
maybe it's the lack of sunshine
in my life
maybe it's the rushing of events
of things
of words
waiting for things to come

i've never been any good
at waiting patiently for something
i want it right now
how do you learn something like that?
can it be taught?
or is it something you acquire with age?

i have lots of questions for feelings like these
and i've been having overwhelming feelings
maybe it's the soundtrack that plays
or my mind racing
of thoughts
of him
(i love thinking of him-
i do it often)
and having to wait
but while i wait
nothing is on pause
i don't recall anything ever being paused

i think part of this anxiety
might be my career
it isn't bad
but i feel lazy
i like feeling lazy
but not in this way

i've been having a lot of those moments
where you are driving
or walking
or sitting
to yourself
or with a friend
where you just know
of a perfect song
that should be inserted
into the background
because it's right
so, since there is no boom box in the sky
it plays in your head
or maybe just parts
or a verse or two
wouldn't that be nice if there was a giant boom box in the sky?
but until there is
all you can do is wait


show your light to the real world
they can´t see, thay can´t see
show your heart to the whole world
let them know, let them know

after all we´re only looking for a light
just someone to hold us close
after all we´re only looking for a love
just something to make it right

show a smile if you´re lonely
don´t break your heart, don´t break your heart
just find something to believe in
and hold it tight, hold it tight

after all we´re only looking for a life
just someone to hold us close
after all we´re only looking for a love
just something to make it right

After All - Mojave 3


two words

Elefant - Asleep

isn’t it funny
how two little words
mean so much
when you say them
to a certain someone
the weight of an elephant
is lifted off your shoulders
funny how
you can say those two words to anyone on the street
to any one of your friends
or co-workers
but to a certain someone
the two words get lodged in your throat
and you can barely cough them out
that elephant
found its way in the way of the words
and won’t budge
you get enough strength to move it
and those two words pour out
because you can’t stutter them
‘i’m gay’
comes out
after so many years
of wanting to say two words
of tip-toeing around
they come out
and that elephant is gone
out of my throat
and off my shoulders


welcome back/holiday party

Last Friday was the obi holiday party. It was insane. I was part of the planning crew and it's so nice to be done with it and see how it ended. The video is what we put together for our boss who had been gone for about six months. We missed her.

Danelle also took a ton of pictures that evening. I turned into Patrick Swayze near the end of the eveing - and a stripper pole for all the ladies. I was a hot mess. Enjoy.

Me and Danelle. She tried telling me I was drunk. Yeah right!

Is that wrong that my boss dirty danced with me? Maybe it will get me a raise?



On my run
My lungs filled with cold air
Freezing the inside
Then a song with angels came on
Then there he was
Running in front of me
We talked
About me
Crossing the street
Going west
My mom
I told him to slow down
Because my lungs were cold
And out of air
We ran past the lake
The wind from the north was strong
And not the least bit warm
We ran past the forest
He went through the trees
I stayed on the road
Peter can’t tell me what to do
Just lead me the way
I tell myself
To cross the street
And head west
He will be there
In front of me
The whole way
Pulling his wagon
Never slowing down
In front of me
Leading the whole way


one great day

Yesterday was my birthday. I love this day. It's one of my most favorite days of the year. It's my day - to be king, to play, to not have any responsibilities, to do as I please.

Yesterday was also a good day for presents. My first one of the day was from Danelle. She was up in Sewer City for a photo shoot and found a bar who carried Strongbow. She schmoozed with the bartendar to let her take home. And that was a good present.
She also gave me my birthday orange. I love him.
Then, a package I have been waiting for since last Friday arrived. It was from Asleep. I am not patient at all, but his gifts to me were worth the wait. I loved every single thing - from the shoelaces to the Jimmy Tree (my favorite). I can't thank you enough for what you do or how you make me feel. x

That evening a large group of us went to have a nice Italian dinner. A few friends from Portland were in town for the OBI Holiday Party and Diva from San Diego was in.
Mollie looked amazing. J-Lo is not even competition.
Mr. Joel and Danelle. They always make me happy.
Jon Hustead - aire to the throne of Wall Drug. It's always enjoyable to sit and chat with him because his words make me laugh.
Jen is from Portland. She is a power house. That's why I love her. And TJ - thank you for dinner, you're such a great friend. And yes, I just knew you were going to make a toast. That is why I brought you along - just because I knew no one else would make a speech quite like you.

After dinner we went to see Little Brazil. I asked my pal Greg if they could play my 80s favorite, Bette Davis Eyes. I was hopeful, until Greg told me they decided against it. I was a sad boy. But you can't keep me down - I had an amazing group of people around me - amazing presents - and an amazing day.

Thank you Mollie, Gina, Katie, Babe, and Danelle for your kind words. Your words hug my heart and make me grateful I have friends like you.

Gina - I forgive you for putting those horrible picture up of me. You were told to burn them, but yet they have made their way to all of the world. I just pray that I don't look like that anymore.


to danelle

to danelle
somedays i like to call you darnelle
you know why
i came across this picture
it made me smile
just as you always make me do
with your bear hugs
and your laugh
and your mr. joel
in a couple weeks
you won't have my last name
you'll have another
but that's ok
thank you
for scheduling my classes for me
even if i didn't need them
for listening to all of my complaining
for being my partner in crime
my other shadow
for staying up on a bus with me
when it was raining
hammers and nails
for always getting ice cream with me

for getting yelled at by professors for always talking
for telling it wasn't madison, wi
for getting me addicted to myspace
for never judging
you're welcome
for using all of my school books
i didn't mind
thank you
for making me sign up
for that trip
let's go back soon
and good luck
with mr. joel
you don't need it
it's already there
love you


gone postal

This makes me one excited guy!

blow me

Last weekend I went to my new friend Corey's exhibit. His trade is a glass blower, among other things. I bought two pieces that I think are pretty rad. One for my mom's Christmas present and the other a present to me. I don't have an idea where to put it. But someday I will have a kick ass kitchen table, and it will sit there, for all to gaze upon.

Corey had a showing with several other artists on Saturday. There were quite a few people that showed up. I asked him if he was shitting bricks because so many people are around his work and they could be easily knocked over. He responded, "I'm not above making someone pay for it." So people, remember, you break - you buy.

brand new kicks

I got new kickers over the weekend. I can't remember the last time I bought a pair of Nike's, but I love these. Michael informs me they are good and limited edition - part of the Adventure Pack.

I may have opened the flood gates of a new shoe fetish. I guess time will tell.

come together

On Thursday evening my mom took us out for me and my sister's birthdays. We had good steak and really good dessert.

We gambled - I have no such luck at anything. But Dawn and Todd both won over $50. I was pumped just to win back $0.02 on the $20 my mom gave me to use.

The four of us don't get to spend time very much, so it was awesome sitting at a table with them. Next time though, I won't be gambling.

And for the days following, my mom and I have spent every day together. It's so cool. I love her. I help picked the new color for our bathroom, the shower curtain and towels. She also bought my my birthday/Christmas present yesterday...which will come this week (and you will know when it does). I think she should move to California with me.


100 more things

A list of 100 more things I need to do with Asleep.

101. ride a two seat bicycle
102. build sand castles
103. eat cinnamon rolls at farmhouse
104. go to a tori amos concert together
105. count shooting stars
106. get in a water balloon fight
107. have sex on the beach
108. draw pictures of each other on napkins over a cup of coffee
109. hide things and make up riddles on where to find them
110. climb a tree
111. make a tree house
112. bring him to omaha
113. go sledding
114. make hot chocolate with a lot of alcohol to get him drunk and take advantage of him
115. learn how to surf
116. camp
117. make s’mores
118. race each other – the loser has to do something for the winner
119. go to a playground late at night and swing
120. go to the zoo
121. ride an elephant
122. make him breakfast in bed
123. leave post-it notes for the other to find
124. go to an island for a week – with no electricity or tourists
125. open a t-shirt store
126. take an ice cream bath
127. stay in bed for three days
128. throw a dart at a map and visit that place
129. start a bar fight
130. have a snow ball fight
131. crash a wedding
132. learn how to play a new instrument and start a band
133. be in the newspaper for a unicorn sighting
134. hit on random strangers together – and then hit the other apologizing to the stranger the other has multiple personalities and is off their meds
135. take naps
136. do cartwheels in the sidewalk
137. make home movies
138. help and elderly woman cross the street
139. paint a fence
140. volunteer at the humane society for a day or two
141. start a lawn service named We’ll Trim Your Bush
142. drive on the 101 for fun
143. fool around on a busy elevator
144. race up the Eiffel tower
145. leave our favorite pictures for strangers to find
146. win best costumes at a Halloween party
147. trick or treat
148. river raft in Colorado
149. play super Mario brothers
150. watch the sunrise
151. trust each other
152. laugh until it hurts
153. give each other code names
154. go through a car was with the windows down
155. rock climb
156. carve wood
157. do the crab walk
158. write a romance novel
159. fix something
160. not take advantage of time spent
161. watch him work
162. stay up all night
163. build a fort in the living room and sleep there
164. egg mean people’s cars
165. throw a luau party
166. tell each other ghost stories
167. tell people about the magical fairies that live in the trees
168. breathe each other in, often
169. 69 100 times
170. read each other’s horoscopes
171. get each other out of bad moods
172. draw maps on each other
173. see who can blow the biggest bubble
174. prank call random people from the phone book
175. call in sick and play board games
176. connect the dots
177. get our cards read
178. play naked twister
179. decorate a Christmas tree
180. watch our favorite movies over and over
181. pose with Janice Dickenson
182. hike through the mountains
183. make a Christmas list and send it to the north pole
184. not to get arrested for doing these
185. give each other piggyback rides when our feet are tired
186. play ring-around-the-rosy with nuns
187. re-start a hair band
188. Throw each other the best birthday party EVER
189. play strip poker
190. start a radio show called Deaf Man Listening
191. give each other massages
192. really buy that sex swing, no gift wrapping necessary
193. go sailing
194. love
195. slip’n’slide
196. find waldo
197. drive through Compton at night
198. not get shot
199. keep each other warm
200. do everything on the list


hungry hungry homo's

What do you know - another video with me and friends eating. We had a new idea for a youtube show called Hungry Hungry Homo's. Our waiter would animate Japanese women in it. They will be evil villains called the Lactose Intolerant Lesbians, who will wear flannel. We get some other laughs in, for this was a good lunch.

this is for a certain someone...

love you.

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront, she says
all she needs is therapy
all you need is love is all you need

dawn's birthday

Today is my sister's birthday. My only one. Thank God I only have one.

She turned 31 today. I hope this is better than when she turned 30 - she was pregnant with her third child, she couldn't drink and she was emotional. Today - she has three children, she drinks and I believe she is still emotional.

Growing up we didn't get along. Being seven years younger, I was always in her business, trying to hang out with her friends and always playing with her Barbie's. Yes, I was one of those weird kids who always made the Barbie's have sex with each other.

She got me back though. She would dress me up in girl clothes and take pictures of me. She would hit me a lot. Yell and scream at me to stay away from her - or to get out of her room.

I tried to follow in her footsteps. She played the violin - I played the violin. She played soccer - I played soccer. But something was off - she was competitive and I wasn't.

We got closer when she moved away. If that makes any sense. I was in fifth grade when she went off to Iowa State University. I remember getting an ISU T-Shirt for Christmas and thinking she was the coolest sister ever.

After college she moved back, engaged with Todd - her boyfriend since high school. It was nice having her back. She didn't hit me or yell at me this time. We were no longer just brother and sister - we were friends.

Today we can talk about anything. I love how she lives next door. I can walk 50 paces to the south if I ever have a problem or just want to chat. It's funny to think of my sister as a mom. But she is. A wonderful woman with three amazing children. A great husband. A the best brother anyone could ever ask for.

Happy Birthday Dawn.



bloggers unite

Once again more than one person who happens to have a blog was in the same room. This time though, there were several. Isn't it funny sometimes...

Nancy, Tiffany, Heather, Mollie, Natalie, Me, Michael, and Katie.

gina's birthday

One more year older - she gets more beautiful with age.

Gina and I go back - to the ages - near the beginning. The memories I have of her and I are locked in my heart and will always be there.

One of the first memories of her being when she broken her ankle and had to wear a moon boot. I was in her grandparent's basebment (they lived across the street from me) with my friend/her cousin Sara. Heather (not yet Gina) talked about how much her leg smelled and itched from not being able to take the cast off. She found a large paper mache flower with a wooden stem from Lord knows where. She took the stem and dug it into her cast and itched furiously, Watching this made me laugh until it turned to tears. This is when I knew I needed her in my life and we would be together for quite awhile.

You can also blame her for my obsession of Tori Amos.

She was also the first person I told I was gay. Yes, she had to drag it out of me in the only way it would come out - which involved lots of crying and three hours spent on her bed staring at each other with no speaking. But it was all worth it. I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's these things I would never take back. I love her with my whole heart. And it will never change.

Happy Birthday Gina.
One word: champagne on top. Ok, that was three - but who's counting after a pitcher of campagne?

Doesn't it look like they are fighting over me? Oh yes, all the girls want me.

Two of Omaha's sexiest men.

This is one of the funniest pictures of Mollie and I. We were either passing judgement on someone or found out the we were having a child together.

More photos.



The words say it all. And um, that's about it.

take you away again
Are you flying
above where we live
Then I look up
a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I’m not but
I like rivers that
rush in
so then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
for you the acrobat
I won’t push you
unless you have a net

You say the word
you know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don’t mind
I don’t hold on
to the tail of your kite
I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly then

look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly boy

cleaning out the shells

So, this was my first attempt to make a video that is actually...well, a video. This is Apollo and Marta's second debut - their first being from Gina. I hope you enjoy. I still need to work on it - but due to my shitacular computer I am limited in some aspects of movie making.

Drink the water drink it down
This time I know I'm bound
To spit it back up
I didn't want this
Salty substitute, just not going to do
I need some air, if I'm going to live through
This experience reminds me of a clock
That just won't tick

I want to wake up
From this concussion
But my dream is just not done
I'm late again,
It's just one of those
Bad days look outside and
Be careful what you ride
You just might find
That you're out of time
To swim ashore
If I drift long enough
I'll be home

Jack Johnson - Drink the Water