asleep's huge package

asleep got his present i sent him. i'm glad he liked it.

as a sidenote: on my post prior to this one, i failed to mention something that happened to me in the year 2006.

I had king taco for the first time. it was amazing. thank you asleep.

wrapping up

The year 2006 has been a very busy one for me. Many people are listing their favorite cd releases of 2006, or a monthly play-by-play. For me, I am horrible with time. I am good at remembering the small details, but somehow losing memory of the larger ones (especially when retelling stories).

But I wanted to compile some sort of list, that gave a brief idea of what I did this past year. In no particular order things will be listed.

I went to London and France. No, I didn't see any underpants. But I went with wonderful people who will always be in my heart and in my presence. This was the first time I crossed an ocean. Part of my heart was left there. In the buildings. In the cobble streets. In the pub around the way. In a pint at that pub. In the churches. In the museums. It is there.

A new nephew. In January my sister had her third child. Garrett Jonathan. He is so beautiful. Just this past month he has learned to walk. My sister told me if she talks about having another kid to punch her in her face.

I graduated from college. Five years of classes. My first year was horrible after achieving a GPA of 1.8. The following year I went to University of Iowa and didn't do much better. The last three years of my college experience was at University of Nebraska Omaha. I love that place. I loved my journalism professors most. You can keep Ms. Gesick and her World Civilizations class. Math knocked on my door my fourth year and continued into my fifth. It was the most difficult thing I did during my college years. But I passed with .1% above the failing grade.

The end of a relationship. The end of June was the end of a three year relationship with Mark. He is a very caring person. In the end, our hearts were in different places. It wasn't mutual. I had to be the bad guy, which is difficult for me - being the passive aggressive person I am. But it was best for both of us, I just hope he knows that.

A new job. I started interning at obi in February after meeting TJ at a bar. He thought I was hitting on him after he told me he worked for a marketing collective and I asked for his business card. What he didn't know was I really needed an internship. After graduation I came on full-time. obi has given me great opportunities. I have gotten to travel - which is something I love. It has sent me to California twice. Which I can't thank them enough for.

A new love. More than a relationship. It's still new. But it doesn't feel awkward or clumsy like many new things can be. I remember sending a message to Asleep saying I thought his tattoos were rad. From there whatever we had started its course. I first met him in July when I was out in California for work. We lost contact for three months or so, until I went back in November. Since the second time I saw him, things were different - in a good way.

My first tattoo. In May I got something I have wanted for five years. The zodiac symbol for Jupiter. My favorite song. My ruling planet. Loss. New things to come. My dad. So much in something so little.

I came out. Something I had wanted to do for years.

New car. I had to wave goodbye to Mary. A girl that has taken care of me for quite some time. She had the best seats in the world. Plush and comfy are an understatement. I welcomed Alice into my life. She fits me. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

These are just a few of the things that have happened this past year. They will all stay with me. They're on my map. I'll be interested seeing where my map takes me next year.

asleep

i am in love with this guy.

he makes my face hurt from smiling so much. i see him when i close my eyes before i go to bed - and when i open them in the morning. he makes me laugh. he makes me feel. he makes me see. he makes me want. he makes me tingle. he makes me dream. he makes me excited. he makes sand lovers with me. he makes me...a lot of things. some i can't mention. because that would be naughty.

Cloud 9. Mexican blankets I found are quite nice and warm.

Ice cream run. Followed by the 101 on how to make a sundae.


soon, i will get to wake up to the real thing. and that makes me happy.

eskimo

kosketa minua
älä käsilläsi
vaan niin että tunnen sinut

kosketa minua
älä käsilläsi
mutta sielussasi

another paradise

New Orleans is warm and balmy with the smell of honeysuckle in the air. But Scarlet is grappling with covetousness in ANOTHER GIRL'S PARADISE. Her travels take her through Florida and to Hawaii, before she returns to Miami. "All the time she's having a conversation with desire. And she realises that very few of us can genuinely wish each other good in a selfless way."
-Scarlet's Walk Bio

I feel the post I wrote last night was a tad bit Debbie Downer (wah-wah-wahhhh). I apologize. I also feel I sounded like I wanted something - someone else's drug, or whatever it is, to help them do whatever it is they need to do. I was laying in bed last night and thought of this song. I think we all have this problem, in some form or another, of wanting what isn't ours. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. For me, I am content with what I have. But at times, I see people with their fathers still here, and I want that.

-------------------------

you caught me lingering
in another girl's
paradise
the way she paints
the world --
I want that in my
life

Emeralds, you should know,
are renting in her meadow
with a stroke
beauty lives
how could I resist
you are Desire

when it all is said
said and done
who can Love you
and still be standing
there's Mary calling
up a storm
can I take from you
and not keep taking
naked as day
Gemma follows him
Does it all come down to
the thing one girl fears
in the night
is another girl's paradise

through twists and turns
Jasmine foxed me
in her grove
arms filled with
Honeybells, St. Michaels
Sanford Bloods

"you have come to discover
what you want"
what i want is not to
want what isn't mine
"But I am Desire"

Another Girl's Paradise - Tori Amos

happy, for the most part

i am not sure how to start this. or end it. so it will be mostly body.

i like to think of myself as a chipper soul. a happy one. never very gloomy. this catches up to me. i had a couple of chats with asleep. we talked of why he doesn't care too much for the christmas season. i, however, love it. i love going shopping and picking out presents for everyone. but when you are sitting there, around all this family, the past seems to find their way in the crowded room. people mentioning how amazing your father is. and how it leaves a hole in their heart. and how that hole will never be filled back in.

i know of this hole. it follows me everyday. every night. this hole rides in the car with me. goes to work with me. has conversations. i wish my whole wasn't my dad. it would make things much more easy. but i don't know this for sure. snow falls in the hole. it makes no noise.

asleep also mentions how he draws when he is feeling down. his drug. his aunt described him drawing beautifully. a lot like two people making love. i can't wait to get the chance to watch him draw. breathe it in. anyways, my point being - he has an escape - art. my escape is missing to go to a place where everyone disappears. i want something like that. it's a lot like a trade. i have one - but tj seems to think it's me. myself as a trade. i'm not sure if i get that. but being me doesn't help me escape. being me isn't like my drug. but maybe being me is what i do well, always happy, never very gloomy. never thinking about things. always moving. never sitting. well, sitting long enough to write this.

i do need to clean my room. pick up the next chapter to my book. do laundry. call people. just not sit.

merry baby jebus day everyone.

famous blue raincoat

Danelle Petersen

There's a song I love - Famous Blue Raincoat. It's one of those songs where it gets inside your heart and feel it - as a person - or past relationship, or even friendship. It's beautiful. It makes me think of this time of the year - and how you sometimes feel alone even though there's a number of people around you...

-------------------------

it's four in the morning, the end of december
i'm writing you now just to see if you're better
new york is cold, but i like where i'm living
there's music on clinton street all through the evening.

i hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
you're living for nothing now, i hope you're keeping some kind of record.

yes, and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear
did you ever go clear?

ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
you'd been to the station to meet every train
and you came home without lili marlene

and you treated my woman to a flake of your life
and when she came back she was nobody's wife.

well i see you there with the rose in your teeth
one more thin gypsy thief
well i see jane's awake --

she sends her regards.

and what can i tell you my brother, my killer
what can i possibly say?
i guess that i miss you,
i guess i forgive you
i'm glad you stood in my way.

if you ever come by here, for jane or for me
your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
i thought it was there for good so i never tried.

and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear --

sincerely, leonard cohen


To listen to Leonard's version.
To listen to Tori's version.

jimbo dirt

This is what happens when you have a lot of time to do lunch. You wind up in a Jessica Simpson hair clip-on thingy. This is my wt rock out pose. I think I look white hot.

Thank you Danelle and Ashley for such a hairy good time.

anxiety (hard to wait)

i don't know what it is
maybe it was the fog this morning
-which i love
maybe it's the lack of sunshine
outside
in my life
maybe it's the rushing of events
of things
of words
waiting for things to come

i've never been any good
at waiting patiently for something
i want it right now
how do you learn something like that?
can it be taught?
or is it something you acquire with age?

i have lots of questions for feelings like these
and i've been having overwhelming feelings
maybe it's the soundtrack that plays
or my mind racing
of thoughts
of him
(i love thinking of him-
i do it often)
and having to wait
but while i wait
nothing is on pause
i don't recall anything ever being paused

i think part of this anxiety
might be my career
it isn't bad
but i feel lazy
i like feeling lazy
but not in this way

i've been having a lot of those moments
lately
where you are driving
or walking
or sitting
talking
to yourself
or with a friend
where you just know
of a perfect song
that should be inserted
into the background
because it's right
so, since there is no boom box in the sky
it plays in your head
or maybe just parts
or a verse or two
wouldn't that be nice if there was a giant boom box in the sky?
but until there is
all you can do is wait

------------------------

show your light to the real world
they can´t see, thay can´t see
show your heart to the whole world
let them know, let them know

after all we´re only looking for a light
just someone to hold us close
after all we´re only looking for a love
just something to make it right

show a smile if you´re lonely
don´t break your heart, don´t break your heart
just find something to believe in
and hold it tight, hold it tight

after all we´re only looking for a life
just someone to hold us close
after all we´re only looking for a love
just something to make it right

After All - Mojave 3

two words

Elefant - Asleep

isn’t it funny
how two little words
mean so much
when you say them
to a certain someone
the weight of an elephant
is lifted off your shoulders
funny how
you can say those two words to anyone on the street
to any one of your friends
or co-workers
but to a certain someone
the two words get lodged in your throat
and you can barely cough them out
that elephant
found its way in the way of the words
and won’t budge
but
you get enough strength to move it
and those two words pour out
quickly
because you can’t stutter them
‘i’m gay’
comes out
finally
after so many years
of wanting to say two words
of tip-toeing around
they come out
and that elephant is gone
out of my throat
and off my shoulders

welcome back/holiday party

Last Friday was the obi holiday party. It was insane. I was part of the planning crew and it's so nice to be done with it and see how it ended. The video is what we put together for our boss who had been gone for about six months. We missed her.



Danelle also took a ton of pictures that evening. I turned into Patrick Swayze near the end of the eveing - and a stripper pole for all the ladies. I was a hot mess. Enjoy.

Me and Danelle. She tried telling me I was drunk. Yeah right!


Is that wrong that my boss dirty danced with me? Maybe it will get me a raise?

peter

On my run
My lungs filled with cold air
Freezing the inside
Then a song with angels came on
Then there he was
Running in front of me
Peter
We talked
About me
Him
Trees
Crossing the street
Going west
My mom
Asleep
I told him to slow down
Because my lungs were cold
And out of air
We ran past the lake
The wind from the north was strong
And not the least bit warm
We ran past the forest
He went through the trees
I stayed on the road
Peter can’t tell me what to do
Just lead me the way
I tell myself
To cross the street
And head west
He will be there
In front of me
Peter
The whole way
Pulling his wagon
Never slowing down
Peter
In front of me
Leading the whole way

one great day

Yesterday was my birthday. I love this day. It's one of my most favorite days of the year. It's my day - to be king, to play, to not have any responsibilities, to do as I please.

Yesterday was also a good day for presents. My first one of the day was from Danelle. She was up in Sewer City for a photo shoot and found a bar who carried Strongbow. She schmoozed with the bartendar to let her take home. And that was a good present.

She also gave me my birthday orange. I love him.

Then, a package I have been waiting for since last Friday arrived. It was from Asleep. I am not patient at all, but his gifts to me were worth the wait. I loved every single thing - from the shoelaces to the Jimmy Tree (my favorite). I can't thank you enough for what you do or how you make me feel. x

That evening a large group of us went to have a nice Italian dinner. A few friends from Portland were in town for the OBI Holiday Party and Diva from San Diego was in.

Mollie looked amazing. J-Lo is not even competition.

Mr. Joel and Danelle. They always make me happy.

Jon Hustead - aire to the throne of Wall Drug. It's always enjoyable to sit and chat with him because his words make me laugh.

Jen is from Portland. She is a power house. That's why I love her. And TJ - thank you for dinner, you're such a great friend. And yes, I just knew you were going to make a toast. That is why I brought you along - just because I knew no one else would make a speech quite like you.

After dinner we went to see Little Brazil. I asked my pal Greg if they could play my 80s favorite, Bette Davis Eyes. I was hopeful, until Greg told me they decided against it. I was a sad boy. But you can't keep me down - I had an amazing group of people around me - amazing presents - and an amazing day.

Thank you Mollie, Gina, Katie, Babe, and Danelle for your kind words. Your words hug my heart and make me grateful I have friends like you.

Gina - I forgive you for putting those horrible picture up of me. You were told to burn them, but yet they have made their way to all of the world. I just pray that I don't look like that anymore.

to danelle

to danelle
somedays i like to call you darnelle
you know why
i came across this picture
it made me smile
just as you always make me do
with your bear hugs
and your laugh
and your mr. joel
in a couple weeks
you won't have my last name
you'll have another
but that's ok
thank you
for scheduling my classes for me
even if i didn't need them
for listening to all of my complaining
for being my partner in crime
my other shadow
for staying up on a bus with me
when it was raining
hammers and nails
for always getting ice cream with me


for getting yelled at by professors for always talking
for telling it wasn't madison, wi
for getting me addicted to myspace
for never judging
you're welcome
for using all of my school books
i didn't mind
thank you
for making me sign up
for that trip
let's go back soon
and good luck
with mr. joel
you don't need it
it's already there
love you

gone postal

This makes me one excited guy!

blow me

Last weekend I went to my new friend Corey's exhibit. His trade is a glass blower, among other things. I bought two pieces that I think are pretty rad. One for my mom's Christmas present and the other a present to me. I don't have an idea where to put it. But someday I will have a kick ass kitchen table, and it will sit there, for all to gaze upon.

Corey had a showing with several other artists on Saturday. There were quite a few people that showed up. I asked him if he was shitting bricks because so many people are around his work and they could be easily knocked over. He responded, "I'm not above making someone pay for it." So people, remember, you break - you buy.

brand new kicks

I got new kickers over the weekend. I can't remember the last time I bought a pair of Nike's, but I love these. Michael informs me they are good and limited edition - part of the Adventure Pack.

I may have opened the flood gates of a new shoe fetish. I guess time will tell.

come together

On Thursday evening my mom took us out for me and my sister's birthdays. We had good steak and really good dessert.

We gambled - I have no such luck at anything. But Dawn and Todd both won over $50. I was pumped just to win back $0.02 on the $20 my mom gave me to use.

The four of us don't get to spend time very much, so it was awesome sitting at a table with them. Next time though, I won't be gambling.

And for the days following, my mom and I have spent every day together. It's so cool. I love her. I help picked the new color for our bathroom, the shower curtain and towels. She also bought my my birthday/Christmas present yesterday...which will come this week (and you will know when it does). I think she should move to California with me.

100 more things

A list of 100 more things I need to do with Asleep.

101. ride a two seat bicycle
102. build sand castles
103. eat cinnamon rolls at farmhouse
104. go to a tori amos concert together
105. count shooting stars
106. get in a water balloon fight
107. have sex on the beach
108. draw pictures of each other on napkins over a cup of coffee
109. hide things and make up riddles on where to find them
110. climb a tree
111. make a tree house
112. bring him to omaha
113. go sledding
114. make hot chocolate with a lot of alcohol to get him drunk and take advantage of him
115. learn how to surf
116. camp
117. make s’mores
118. race each other – the loser has to do something for the winner
119. go to a playground late at night and swing
120. go to the zoo
121. ride an elephant
122. make him breakfast in bed
123. leave post-it notes for the other to find
124. go to an island for a week – with no electricity or tourists
125. open a t-shirt store
126. take an ice cream bath
127. stay in bed for three days
128. throw a dart at a map and visit that place
129. start a bar fight
130. have a snow ball fight
131. crash a wedding
132. learn how to play a new instrument and start a band
133. be in the newspaper for a unicorn sighting
134. hit on random strangers together – and then hit the other apologizing to the stranger the other has multiple personalities and is off their meds
135. take naps
136. do cartwheels in the sidewalk
137. make home movies
138. help and elderly woman cross the street
139. paint a fence
140. volunteer at the humane society for a day or two
141. start a lawn service named We’ll Trim Your Bush
142. drive on the 101 for fun
143. fool around on a busy elevator
144. race up the Eiffel tower
145. leave our favorite pictures for strangers to find
146. win best costumes at a Halloween party
147. trick or treat
148. river raft in Colorado
149. play super Mario brothers
150. watch the sunrise
151. trust each other
152. laugh until it hurts
153. give each other code names
154. go through a car was with the windows down
155. rock climb
156. carve wood
157. do the crab walk
158. write a romance novel
159. fix something
160. not take advantage of time spent
161. watch him work
162. stay up all night
163. build a fort in the living room and sleep there
164. egg mean people’s cars
165. throw a luau party
166. tell each other ghost stories
167. tell people about the magical fairies that live in the trees
168. breathe each other in, often
169. 69 100 times
170. read each other’s horoscopes
171. get each other out of bad moods
172. draw maps on each other
173. see who can blow the biggest bubble
174. prank call random people from the phone book
175. call in sick and play board games
176. connect the dots
177. get our cards read
178. play naked twister
179. decorate a Christmas tree
180. watch our favorite movies over and over
181. pose with Janice Dickenson
182. hike through the mountains
183. make a Christmas list and send it to the north pole
184. not to get arrested for doing these
185. give each other piggyback rides when our feet are tired
186. play ring-around-the-rosy with nuns
187. re-start a hair band
188. Throw each other the best birthday party EVER
189. play strip poker
190. start a radio show called Deaf Man Listening
191. give each other massages
192. really buy that sex swing, no gift wrapping necessary
193. go sailing
194. love
195. slip’n’slide
196. find waldo
197. drive through Compton at night
198. not get shot
199. keep each other warm
200. do everything on the list

ding! fries are done

This video made me piss myself laughing. Enjoy.

hungry hungry homo's

What do you know - another video with me and friends eating. We had a new idea for a youtube show called Hungry Hungry Homo's. Our waiter would animate Japanese women in it. They will be evil villains called the Lactose Intolerant Lesbians, who will wear flannel. We get some other laughs in, for this was a good lunch.

this is for a certain someone...

love you.



she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront, she says
all she needs is therapy
all you need is love is all you need

dawn's birthday

Today is my sister's birthday. My only one. Thank God I only have one.

She turned 31 today. I hope this is better than when she turned 30 - she was pregnant with her third child, she couldn't drink and she was emotional. Today - she has three children, she drinks and I believe she is still emotional.

Growing up we didn't get along. Being seven years younger, I was always in her business, trying to hang out with her friends and always playing with her Barbie's. Yes, I was one of those weird kids who always made the Barbie's have sex with each other.

She got me back though. She would dress me up in girl clothes and take pictures of me. She would hit me a lot. Yell and scream at me to stay away from her - or to get out of her room.

I tried to follow in her footsteps. She played the violin - I played the violin. She played soccer - I played soccer. But something was off - she was competitive and I wasn't.

We got closer when she moved away. If that makes any sense. I was in fifth grade when she went off to Iowa State University. I remember getting an ISU T-Shirt for Christmas and thinking she was the coolest sister ever.

After college she moved back, engaged with Todd - her boyfriend since high school. It was nice having her back. She didn't hit me or yell at me this time. We were no longer just brother and sister - we were friends.

Today we can talk about anything. I love how she lives next door. I can walk 50 paces to the south if I ever have a problem or just want to chat. It's funny to think of my sister as a mom. But she is. A wonderful woman with three amazing children. A great husband. A the best brother anyone could ever ask for.

Happy Birthday Dawn.

foodgasm

bloggers unite

Once again more than one person who happens to have a blog was in the same room. This time though, there were several. Isn't it funny sometimes...

Nancy, Tiffany, Heather, Mollie, Natalie, Me, Michael, and Katie.

gina's birthday

One more year older - she gets more beautiful with age.

Gina and I go back - to the ages - near the beginning. The memories I have of her and I are locked in my heart and will always be there.

One of the first memories of her being when she broken her ankle and had to wear a moon boot. I was in her grandparent's basebment (they lived across the street from me) with my friend/her cousin Sara. Heather (not yet Gina) talked about how much her leg smelled and itched from not being able to take the cast off. She found a large paper mache flower with a wooden stem from Lord knows where. She took the stem and dug it into her cast and itched furiously, Watching this made me laugh until it turned to tears. This is when I knew I needed her in my life and we would be together for quite awhile.

You can also blame her for my obsession of Tori Amos.

She was also the first person I told I was gay. Yes, she had to drag it out of me in the only way it would come out - which involved lots of crying and three hours spent on her bed staring at each other with no speaking. But it was all worth it. I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's these things I would never take back. I love her with my whole heart. And it will never change.

Happy Birthday Gina.

One word: champagne on top. Ok, that was three - but who's counting after a pitcher of campagne?

Doesn't it look like they are fighting over me? Oh yes, all the girls want me.

Two of Omaha's sexiest men.

This is one of the funniest pictures of Mollie and I. We were either passing judgement on someone or found out the we were having a child together.

More photos.

wait

The words say it all. And um, that's about it.



Airplanes
take you away again
Are you flying
above where we live
Then I look up
a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I’m not but
I like rivers that
rush in
so then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
for you the acrobat
I won’t push you
unless you have a net

You say the word
you know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don’t mind
I don’t hold on
to the tail of your kite
I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly then
boy

Balloons
look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly boy

cleaning out the shells

So, this was my first attempt to make a video that is actually...well, a video. This is Apollo and Marta's second debut - their first being from Gina. I hope you enjoy. I still need to work on it - but due to my shitacular computer I am limited in some aspects of movie making.



Drink the water drink it down
This time I know I'm bound
To spit it back up
I didn't want this
Salty substitute, just not going to do
I need some air, if I'm going to live through
This experience reminds me of a clock
That just won't tick

I want to wake up
From this concussion
But my dream is just not done
I'm late again,
It's just one of those
Bad days look outside and
Be careful what you ride
You just might find
That you're out of time
To swim ashore
If I drift long enough
I'll be home

Jack Johnson - Drink the Water

do you take debit?

A Guilt Trip, Asleep

John's story reminded me of myself, only how I am quite the opposite.

My freshman year of college I was driving to my 8 a.m. class. For some reason I took 16th Street Parade* and wish I hadn't. I approached a stop sign where a mini van was taking their sweet ass time. I then realized that there was something, or someone in front of them. When they sped off I saw what was holding them and me up. It was a homeless man. He had no legs and was in a wheelchair.

Being the person that I am, I stopped - that, and I would have hit him with my car. It was cold. I rolled down my window and in he comes. The Black man had all of two teeth and smelled of alcohol. He kept repeating himself. I thought he was asking if I could take him to the Hippopotamus Cafe. After three minutes of trying to understand him I broke the news on how he wouldn't be able to ride in my car because I have never transported someone in a wheelchair before. Then he yelled, 'No!'

I was taken back a bit by his anger. Why was he getting mad at me? I was only trying to help. By this time there were about five cars behind me. He then said he wanted money. I said, 'Oh, I thought you wanted me to take you somewhere - and I've never heard of the Hippopotamus Cafe.'

He was basically hanging on my car. His arms grasping the inside of my door. I told him I didn't have any cash on me, but I did have debit. I'm not sure why I told him that. I think I felt bad for not carrying cash. I tried to justify myself to someone hanging on my car drunk and rocking two teeth. I apologized, rolled up my window and drove off. I looked in the rearview mirror to see him pester the person behind me.

*The 16th Street Parade is quite a fine show. It only takes place in the summer. The brothers and sisters of 16th Street flood the front porches and streets, sometimes making it difficult to drive through. The hot spot is the gas station that one would never stop at. You see children eating the week-old hot dogs and drinking big gulp sodas.

At night, 16th Street Parade can get out of control. On coming home off the Lake Street exit (something my mom always told me not to do) I had to detour off the main road and take side streets. What I discovered was more 16th Street Parades - only on different streets. These parades were much larger and had many more people. Girls with up-do's (so up that they hit the ceiling of their cars) and long finger nails. Men who are shirtless with their jeans neatly tucked inside their Timberlands. They gave me the stare down. The type of glare that said, 'White boy, you know you're not supposed to be here.'

And from that glance on, I have yet to return to the side-street parades.

make me a tree

I have this thing with trees. I'm not sure what it is. I can't describe it. But I think they're beautiful. Powerful. Magical. Loving. Amazing creatures. A bunch of things really. I like to take pictures of them. They're a lot like people. They have their own finger prints. Their own faces. Their own hair styles. They can move. Dance. Sway. They're good at swaying. And they sing. Listen to their bark. Their leaves will hum and speak to you. You just need to listen. Just listen. Just. Listen.

Thank you Asleep for my tree. I love it.

fortune

Paris, Jeff Keesee

I ate with Michael today at House of Lee. It's so damn good. Anyways, my fortune cookie told me something very special would happen to me three months exactly from today. So we will see what happens on March 1, 2007.

I have one thing in mind that could be special. But we will wait it out and see.

angry, drunk idiot

Something very strange happened Saturday night. Mollie, Matt and I left Citrus to go to Homey Inn. While on Saddle Creek a man was riding Alice's ass. As we turn left to make our way closer to the bar, the man driving behind speeds up and almosts runs into the front of my car. He is yelling and cursing at me to pull over. So, to see what his problem was I pulled over at the gas station.

He jumped out of his car and ripped off his jacket. Red-faced and sweaty, his hands were gripping Alice's window.

'Are you from fucking Iowa?!'
'Yes.'
'So can you not fucking signal - you cut me off motherfucker!!!'
'Where? If I did I apologize.'

More yelling went on, a lot more (I can't remember the exact dialogue, but above is the jist of it). I think I went into standby mode because he scared me. He was taller than me, and much bigger. My ass would have been on the ground. I wasn't in the fighting mood - i had on good jeans and I was tired. The jackass was pulling at Alice's window. Mollie thought he was going to break it. If that were the case, I would have gathered up enough energy to break his ass like the ninja I am.

I thank the man who told the guy to go away - he has good karma coming his way. All passengers and Alice are ok.

fog

Sometimes I don't know what I am doing.
I like Sundays because it is my day to do nothing.
But the again, doing nothing can make me start thinking.
Thinking of things I don't really want to.
Things that I shouldn't care about - the past -
but I do. Sorry.
My mind goes foggy.
And I can't stop thinking.
Of all those things that were.
And that will be.
I just pray that they will be.
Because I don't like being in this haze.



well in know it's just a spring haze
but i don't much like the look of it
and if omens are a god send like men
breezing in
certain these clouds go somewhere
billowing out to somewhere

in a single engine cessna
you say we'll never make it there
so all we do is circle it

uh oh. let go. off on my way
unseen this eternal wanting
uh oh. way to go
so i get creamed
waiting on sunday to drown
uh oh. way to go.
waiting on sunday
waiting on sunday to land
uh oh. way to go.
waiting on sunday
waiting on sunday to drown

so i know it's just a spring haze
but i don't much like the look of it
but all we do is circle it
and i found out where my edge is
and it bleeds into where you resist
and my only way out is to go
so far in
billowing out to somewhere
billowing out luna riviera
billowing out to somewhere

uh oh. let go. off on my way
unseen this eternal wanting
let go. so far. really getting creamed
waiting on sunday to land

why does it always end up like this
waiting on sunday so i get creamed
waiting for sunday to drown

he brings sugar

This song pretty much sums things up. How you feel when you open yourself to someone and they still don't get you. You tell them exactly what it is, invite them in and give them a tour of your world. But still, they will never understand you...or why you think the way you do...or love the things you love. They're just sugar - good at first, but then bad for you after awhile.



and I know and you know
if they found me out
you just watch
just watch what they do
sweet boy if they find you out
tell me what you think they'll do
when they find you gotta little in here
tell me what you think they'll do
when they find you out
when they find you out
find out
you're just a pussy, my sweet boy
my sugar...

case of the fake people

assholes are cheap today
cheaper than yesterday
small ones are half a crown
sitting up or lying down

The Cig and The Pig, Asleep

I am usually not a cruel and bitter person, but some things/people can set me off. Within the past three or so months, my friends and I have been acquainted to new ‘friends.’ Some of them were good people and the others not so much. One that bothers me is someone that I had thought was a good-hearted person.

This person (let’s call them P) is not from here, they are from another country. Sometimes communication would be difficult when P would say something offensive – but didn’t mean it in that sense – we would forgive, no problem. They had high standards for friends and potential lovers to be ‘cultured and sophisticated.’ I was always confused by this. Everyone is cultured in some sense, whether they are white trash or world travelers. And sophistication comes in all forms.

My thinking – you can be from another country and think of yourself as both cultured and sophisticated – but to many people you are actually quite the opposite. Cultured is so vast – I am in several cultures – American, Gay, Male, Irish, College Student, the list is enormous. P would often refer to someone as uncultured and would give them a look of distaste. On that note, P is one of the most ignorant people I know. Here is why…
-Behind me and my friend’s back she would talk about how she needs to stop hanging out with us because people will start talking shit about them. P said this because me and some of my friends happen to be gay. I guess gay people make others look horrible in a social setting and it can lead to shit talking of people in a certain community.
-P also discussed how all gay people cheat on their partners and aren’t loyal to them. I don’t know if I really have a comment on this one, because it just makes me laugh. People who make these comments are as dense as a brick wall.

These are just a couple things that have come from their mouth. Not to our face of course, because someone who is cultured and sophisticated would never do such a thing. But they will talk shit about you behind your back, all while smiling at your face.

-------------------------

Barons of Suburbia
take another piece of my
good graces
I’m in my war
you’re in yours
do we fight for peace
as they take another piece of us

It was a slight miscalculation
that my friends
my friends would be waiting
on the other side of the bridge
on the other side of this
this mole hill of a mountain
this potion
now a poison
they’re on the other side
of right
we’re on the other side
of her
midnight

When it’s all said and done
we will lose a piece
to a carnivorous vegetarian
Barons of suburbia
I have heard you pray
before you devour her

I am piecing a potion
To combat your poison

Tori Amos
Barons of Suburbia

perfect days

After work and long meetings I decided to take a break. A break from the cold, from everything. I was selfish and took a day or two for me. The weather was warm, in the 90s. The sun was shining. And I just wanted to breathe.

I visited Asleep. He said he didn’t have anything planned. And I didn’t care. He did want to make sure I went to King Taco. I saw his new place, balcony and all. He showed me one of my favorite pieces and hung it near his TV. I then saw the actual nose and bridge. I was lost for a bit.

Forest Fire

Friday we decided to go to Los Angeles. I’ve never been, so I was all eyes as we drove into the city. As for the actual city, it was dirty. I’ve never seen a smog cloud before. I felt bad for our lungs. But it was one of those drives you could have just driven on and on, and not cared.

I wondered if I would see any celebrities. I told Asleep I wanted to see Nicole Richie – just to see what she is wearing...maybe that’s really gay? Anyways, no celebrities. We did stop by and see the Chinese Theatre, Virgin, Cold Stone, and the sign from a distance. The day went too fast.

On the way home we stopped at King Taco. I was ready for goodness. It was delicious, even if brains and tongues were on the menu. Their hot sauce also rocked. Thank God for Asleep, everything was in Spanish, and I know I would have ordered something that wouldn’t go down or come out right. While eating he said we were only a block away from Compton. I made him take me. We missed the sunset – but we didn’t miss the prostitutes or people selling illegal TV’s and stereos on their front lawns.

Asleep put together a video that best shows our time. Just as soon as I got home, I wanted to go back. Is it the warm weather? The wanting to have something new? Or something else? I have my guesses.

I almost stop feeling the freezing
Whenever it's cold
And i almost can see in the dark now
Cuz your skin's so gold
-Trespassers

morning breeze

This morning I woke up a little early. By a little, I mean 5 a.m. I was laying in bed wanting to go back to sleep until I thought I would take a little stroll to the beach.

It was only a block away. I could hear the waves crashing. I could smell the salty air. It was still dark. I walked down the cement stairs to the cold sand. I could see the sun peeking out to the left of me. The sunrise wasn't what I had expected. I think the sunset will be amazing.

------------------------

got hurt today, my heart today
he just doesnt know what not to say
he fell today, around today
he said, 'make me liquid'
he, liquid, he, it's you
so i took a little break and i put it in a little song
pieces of him and me
we could both, ah, sing along
then i saw that maybe we just needed to embrace again
just to be with my Friend, you know we could be liquid
once again
liquid
liquid

you came and saw me and i broke my heart, then, what you did
you said that you didnt think that what you did was hurtful
you said, 'i dont see what you want from me'
i said 'could we be...
could we be
liquid'


more photos of my morning.

i'm going back to cali

I will be in Laguna Beach today through Friday (I wish it were longer). I love the smell, the warmth, the energy California gives. It's magical. I'm attending meetings for work - so it won't be all play, but I am sure we will have ourselves some fun.



On my way up north, up on the Ventura
I pulled back the hood and I was talking to you
And I knew then it would be a life long thing
But I didn't know that we, we could break a silver lining

When I think of California, a soundtrack forms in my head of several songs...

Phantom Planet - California
Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale
Eagles - Hotel California
Counting Crows - Goodnight LA
Joni Mitchell - California
Van Morrison - Feedback Out On Highway 101
2Pac - California Love
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
Razorlight - Los Angeles Waltz
Dave Loggins - Please Come To Boston
Led Zepplin - Going To California
Maroon 5 - My Blue Ocean
Notorious BIG - Going Back To Cali
Led Zepplin - The Ocean
Dresden Dolls - Shores of California
Bob Dylan - California

Ok...you get the idea. It's cali-loaded and good times. But I will return Friday evening, hopefully with a tan and smelling of sea salt. See you...



Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from

bridge

It’s all about the walks
Around the park
through the trees
and coming to the clearing by the lake.
We liked to come here -
it reminds us of how things used to be
When everything seemed fine -
and no one fought

We walked today to take a trip
Back to when things were fine
Over the hill
by the bridge
is where we first knew
that nothing would save us
The leaves were falling
and so were we

We fell
Just like the leaves
Off the tree
Out of love

-----------------------

Jeff - The stories have not been lost. They are here, floating in the air. That little girl with the leaf came to visit today, and out came this.

fire in the hole

This made me laugh. I could watch Ross all day long.

i hate to do this, but

Word verification. I dislike it to the end of the world. I can never make out the words that are squished together. It's a mumble of letters that make no sense at all. It takes me, sometimes, three times to get it right just to comment on a post.

But thanks to spam, which I thought would never find me, I turn on the verification. Sad days.

snow cherries from france

There are some songs or poems that I wish i would have - because they speak so close to the heart. This can go for anyone, because many people can relate these things to them. One of the songs that I wish I had written before anyone was Snow Cherries From France.

This reminds me of a past love. One of those, 'is this too good to be true?' And, it kinda was in some ways. It existed in my head, probably in real life. We never left the house, but we learned so much. You give your hand (in a verbal sense), and then what...there is a time of long pause...and nothing - or will it be something? We never wanted it to end. In some ways in never did, but then again, do they ever really end? But then it always seems to go away. Ripple. And come back in waves.


It's a love story...and this woman agrees to go on this adventure with this man. Even though, I think, deep down she knows that eventually he's going to go - because that's what he does - she offers her hand, after a fashion, and he offers her snow cherries from France, which sound delicious, but don't exist.
Tori Amos
BBC 6, Tom Robinson - December 2003

-----------------------

i knew a boy who would
not share his bike
oh, but he let me go sailing
i swore that i
could survive any storm
oh then he let me go

"can you launch rockets from here?"
boy, i've done it for years
right over my head
and when i promised my hand
he promised me back
snow cherries from france
all that summer
we traveled the world
never leaving his own back garden
girls, i didn't know
just what it could be
oh, but he let me go sailing

you question me,
"can you ride anything?"
lord, do you mean like your mood swings
invaders and traders with
the best intentions
may convince you to go
"they look like pirates from here"
boy, i've been one for years
just keeping my head
and when i promised my hand
you promised me back
snow cherries from france

and then one day he said
"girl it's been nice,
oh, but i have to go sailing"
with cinnamon lips
that did not match his eyes
oh then he let me go


Thank you Jeff for your snow.

come on closer

This song...is good. So good in fact, I have been playing it all day. And now I'm sending this as a 'shot out' to a certain someone.

This makes me think of when things are good. They make you smile. They make you think about someone all day long. They make you want a kiss every minute of the day. All that mushy stuff.



Come on closer
I wanna show you
What I'd like to do
You sit back now
Just relax now
I'll take care of you

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

Gonna take it slow babe
Do it my way
Keep your eyes on me
Your reaction
To my action
Is what I want to see

Rhythmic motion
Raw emotion
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

And now you're satisfied
A twinkle in your eye
Go to sleep for ten
And anticipating
I will be waiting
For you to wake again

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]
[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]

Hour after hour
of sweet pleasure
After this I guarantee
you'll never wanna leave
Shut your eyes and think about
what I'm about to do
Sit back relax I'll take my time
this lovin's all for you

cruel

I'm not one to make someone crawl through glass for their wrong doings. But certain things can hurt, and can cut, that will make you want to do such a thing. One thing a 'friend' could do to another is create rumors. Some rumors are believable to others, especially if they don't know you very well. So of course, those people who have yet to get to know you, are impressionable. We can only hope that people believe the story that is true, and not false.

Two sides to every story. Two sides to your personality. How you can be so friendly to each others' faces, but go behind them, speak ill words, and try to take what they can't get. This is for a certain person who has created stories, far from the truth about me. I'm sure they know who they are. Unless they are so fucked up on medications that they aren't able to comprehend.



"It's about when that dickhead is right there in front of you, and you look him in the eyes and you just go deeper than you can go...deeper than you can go."
-Tori Amos, Plugged '98 Tour, Nashville, Tennessee

------------------------

so don't give me respect don't give me a piece of your preciousness
flaunt all she's got in our old neighbourhood
i'm sure she'll make a few friends
even the rain bows down let us pray as you cock-cock-cock your mane
no cigarettes only peeled HAVANA'S for you i can be cruel
i don't know why

...

deeper, deeper than you go
deeper than you can
deeper but still you can
deeper than you can
I said, you can
tear it out and tear it out
and tear it out again

hey, and you know, you know
you're gonna lie, boy
way here
I said here, yes

bad ass

Whoever said you couldn't rock a little something sweet and help others at the same time?

it's here

Finally, OBI's website. Since I started interning here in February, we have been planning our website. And today it's finally arrived.

you think you know, but you have no idea

Oh, the Gap Girls skit. One of my favorites, for many reasons.

One, it makes me think of my five years working there. How anyone can work that long at Gap is beyond me (and not get in more trouble than we did). I started in October of 2000. I applied because one of my sister's old friends worked there and told me I should, good reason right? Plus I hated my airport gift shop job.

I didn't know what to think of it all. Not having any sense of style or fashion - I shopped at Buckle and Shopko (not saying they are bad...). I was also terrified of Matt, our 'bog gay boss' as most referred to him as. It was also the start of holiday season, so there were about 60 employees working.

But I stuck with it. I befriended a blonde haired girl wearing overalls. 'You're my friend Heather's friend' I said.

'Ummmmm, ok.'

I thought she hated me.

But what do you know, the queers have to stick together. We found each other through a sea of ugly sweater employees who were just working for a little extra cash and the employee discount.

I'll never forget the different moments while working there. It seems as if it were yesterday...

The day Mollie told Matt I liked boys. They were hanging holiday boxers and I saw her say something to him...he spinning his head my way...walking over...'GIRL!!!! Welcome to the team.' I gave Mollie the death look.

A girl named Sarah maybe had a crush on me, we're not really sure what it was. But me telling her I was gay didn't seem to seep in. She would often make sexual advances towards me and say, 'You know, no one will know if you go into the back room.'

'Why would we go back there?'

'Oh, so you want to do it on the table?'

'Wait, who's doing what?!' I didn't get her just as much as she didn't get me.

Also during the holiday season, I was trying on clothes while I was on the clock, no big deal. Mollie came back with Nick, a Ken doll-like boy who had a weird crush on me. (The first time he ever came in he showed Mollie and I his nipple ring - and we didn't even ask to see it.) She dared me $5 to run naked through the fitting rooms. i told her I would, only if I could wear shoes - because I didn't want to get a foot fungus. I did it. And I have yet to see my money.

I'm surprised we weren't all fired. But we were just waiting for another reason.



In the last year or so we were open, One Pacific's Gap closed and some were sent to our store. There were three of them. All appearing to be nice. We named them the Sea Hags. They all talked bad about each other, about us, and took every chance to gossip.

Sidenote: We didn't gossip, we networked.

The first day 'Amber Foghorn' worked she talked of her and her husband's sex toys and videos. No problem, we talked about sex all the time. The problem was, when I talked about guy's giving head, she flipped out and called the district manager. Mollie, Jenny and I were all called in. We were sure this was going to be the final straw to get fired.

Bless Jenny's soul. We gave her so much shit and she stood by us. We love her. In the end, we weren't fired. But Mollie and I didn't work together as much because she liked to 'provoke' me.

Also around this time a woman who will remain nameless (because I dare not even speak her name) and I battled like it was World War III. It began during Tax Free Weekend when she came to help our store. Mollie met her first and loved her. I was then introduced to her.

'Jimmy, this is K____, our new best friend.'

'Hi, I'm Jimmy.'

'Timmy?'

'No, JIMMY. Starts with a J ends with a Y.'

She gave me a nasty look. Hours later she tapped me on my shoulder, 'You can't chew gum on the floor, you'll have to spit that out.'

'Excuse me? Who are you again?'

I spit my gum out. And bitched.

Another fight with her included a chalk board and a message Becky had wrote us before she left to study in Romania. It was up there for about three months when someone had erased it for no reason. I knew it was the woman we will call Devil Bitch. DB didn't like any of us. We were a gang of clothes folders who had a tighter bond than any Mafia family. She couldn't break us.

This is where my asshole side comes out. Never fuck with a gay man, DB. I will cut you like a Stanton Island girl. I wrote a nice little message for her in reply to her erasing. I hear, the next day she came in, saw the board, and freaked the F out. She slammed things, cried and ended up leaving five minutes later.

DB also threw polaroids of us in the garbage for no reason as well. When I asked her about them, she said they 'fell in.' Bitch please. Mollie says DB and I couldn't get along because we were basically the same person. E'cuse me? In some ways, maybe. But homegirl was just MEAN.

The best is when I went into Crossroads and she was working (I didn't know). She didn't see me but said the usual, 'Hi, is there anything I could help you wi....Oh.....you.' Mid-sentence DB noticed me. I gave her a glare and she acted like we never spoke. And so it was.

So many other things to remember, but space is wearing thin. So I will leave it at this for now. But the memories stick with me, and it's wonderful to go back sometimes.

have an apple cowboy

I hope everyone had a good Halloween.

Pictures of our night will be coming soon.

bachelorette

ghosts and spooks
and maybe you
maybe you
something for me to do, i said
ghosts and spooks
and maybe you
maybe you are
trick-or-treating me
maybe you, i said
maybe you
can take this
out of my head, i said
maybe you
maybe you
gives me something to do



This was a Tori concert back in 2001 during the Strange Little Tour. This is one of my favorite b-sides of hers...

------------------------

bachelorette you climb on rooftops and you bachelorette
you can turn dust into champagne
you even remembered his name

bachelorette, the braves you painted pink for bachelorettes
you tried to show him that he can
but you can never rush a man

you must remember
you're a car girl
you're a star girl
you are at the door
the tide will turn
there's a window

boo!

Saturday night was spent at the Max with OBI friends.

I was a mummy if anyone had a question. A woman stopped me and asked me what I was. 'A mummy.'

'What? Underwear boy?'

'Does your underwear look like this?'

I didn't think so. And the man at Little Kings thought I was Sandman. I don't see that either. Maybe I wasn't a great mummy, but I thought so!

We will be at Max again, on Tuesday...what should I be this time?

no skeleton key

Last night I saw Margot & The Nuclear So And So's and The Elected. They were amazing. Meredith and I met some wonderful ladies, Jenny and Sunnye, from Kansas city - one who is in a band, The Waiting List.

They came for Elected - we came for Margot - so we both stayed for each other's bands. I'm glad, because they were good. The lead singer also played in Salute Your Shorts as Ronald Foster 'Ronnie' Pinsky. I loved that show.

The evening put me in a wonderful mood - good music - good friends - good weather, it was warmer and misty.



I did a sick, sick thing to my love
My lack of loyalty, it swallowed her up
And she cooked me food
She squirmed and turned
Like a skeleton key
She left her man and attended to me

And don't call me that
Don't claim you love me
Cause you know that ain't true
My dire affliction I'll attribute to you

And you're finally free
To twist and turn
Like a skeleton key

You've gotta let me know
You've gotta let me know

I did a horrible thing to that girl
I bread my misery and drowned it in her
And she got me high
And I hardly noticed there were tears in her eyes

And I miss you less and less everyday
This stream of whisky's helped to wash you away

And it's clear to see
You're nothing special
You're a skeleton key

You've gotta let me know
You've gotta let me know
You've gotta let me know
You've gotta let me know

------------------------

Click here to see the rest of their videos.