you think you know, but you have no idea

Oh, the Gap Girls skit. One of my favorites, for many reasons.

One, it makes me think of my five years working there. How anyone can work that long at Gap is beyond me (and not get in more trouble than we did). I started in October of 2000. I applied because one of my sister's old friends worked there and told me I should, good reason right? Plus I hated my airport gift shop job.

I didn't know what to think of it all. Not having any sense of style or fashion - I shopped at Buckle and Shopko (not saying they are bad...). I was also terrified of Matt, our 'bog gay boss' as most referred to him as. It was also the start of holiday season, so there were about 60 employees working.

But I stuck with it. I befriended a blonde haired girl wearing overalls. 'You're my friend Heather's friend' I said.

'Ummmmm, ok.'

I thought she hated me.

But what do you know, the queers have to stick together. We found each other through a sea of ugly sweater employees who were just working for a little extra cash and the employee discount.

I'll never forget the different moments while working there. It seems as if it were yesterday...

The day Mollie told Matt I liked boys. They were hanging holiday boxers and I saw her say something to him...he spinning his head my way...walking over...'GIRL!!!! Welcome to the team.' I gave Mollie the death look.

A girl named Sarah maybe had a crush on me, we're not really sure what it was. But me telling her I was gay didn't seem to seep in. She would often make sexual advances towards me and say, 'You know, no one will know if you go into the back room.'

'Why would we go back there?'

'Oh, so you want to do it on the table?'

'Wait, who's doing what?!' I didn't get her just as much as she didn't get me.

Also during the holiday season, I was trying on clothes while I was on the clock, no big deal. Mollie came back with Nick, a Ken doll-like boy who had a weird crush on me. (The first time he ever came in he showed Mollie and I his nipple ring - and we didn't even ask to see it.) She dared me $5 to run naked through the fitting rooms. i told her I would, only if I could wear shoes - because I didn't want to get a foot fungus. I did it. And I have yet to see my money.

I'm surprised we weren't all fired. But we were just waiting for another reason.

In the last year or so we were open, One Pacific's Gap closed and some were sent to our store. There were three of them. All appearing to be nice. We named them the Sea Hags. They all talked bad about each other, about us, and took every chance to gossip.

Sidenote: We didn't gossip, we networked.

The first day 'Amber Foghorn' worked she talked of her and her husband's sex toys and videos. No problem, we talked about sex all the time. The problem was, when I talked about guy's giving head, she flipped out and called the district manager. Mollie, Jenny and I were all called in. We were sure this was going to be the final straw to get fired.

Bless Jenny's soul. We gave her so much shit and she stood by us. We love her. In the end, we weren't fired. But Mollie and I didn't work together as much because she liked to 'provoke' me.

Also around this time a woman who will remain nameless (because I dare not even speak her name) and I battled like it was World War III. It began during Tax Free Weekend when she came to help our store. Mollie met her first and loved her. I was then introduced to her.

'Jimmy, this is K____, our new best friend.'

'Hi, I'm Jimmy.'


'No, JIMMY. Starts with a J ends with a Y.'

She gave me a nasty look. Hours later she tapped me on my shoulder, 'You can't chew gum on the floor, you'll have to spit that out.'

'Excuse me? Who are you again?'

I spit my gum out. And bitched.

Another fight with her included a chalk board and a message Becky had wrote us before she left to study in Romania. It was up there for about three months when someone had erased it for no reason. I knew it was the woman we will call Devil Bitch. DB didn't like any of us. We were a gang of clothes folders who had a tighter bond than any Mafia family. She couldn't break us.

This is where my asshole side comes out. Never fuck with a gay man, DB. I will cut you like a Stanton Island girl. I wrote a nice little message for her in reply to her erasing. I hear, the next day she came in, saw the board, and freaked the F out. She slammed things, cried and ended up leaving five minutes later.

DB also threw polaroids of us in the garbage for no reason as well. When I asked her about them, she said they 'fell in.' Bitch please. Mollie says DB and I couldn't get along because we were basically the same person. E'cuse me? In some ways, maybe. But homegirl was just MEAN.

The best is when I went into Crossroads and she was working (I didn't know). She didn't see me but said the usual, 'Hi, is there anything I could help you wi....Oh.....you.' Mid-sentence DB noticed me. I gave her a glare and she acted like we never spoke. And so it was.

So many other things to remember, but space is wearing thin. So I will leave it at this for now. But the memories stick with me, and it's wonderful to go back sometimes.


molly said...

OH PLEASE...you act like we all couldn't tell you were queer!!! Matt and I acted so proud on that day.

And since you mentioned the fact that I used to wear overalls...I will remind you that you once had Backstreet Boy blonde highlights!

Amber Foghorn...tore up...I have nothing nice to say about that woman.

nancy said...

this post made me laugh out loud. it was funny. i want to hear more!

Katie said...

lol! i want pictures of molly in overalls and jimmy with highlights! PLEEEEEEASE!

i used to work with jenny's sister crystal at outback. sometimes i would get them confused.

nancy said...

i'm still laughing. this is too funny.

molly said...

I just thought of something else!!!

Remember when you came storming back to the fitting room bitching about some customer and another customer came out of her dressing room and said, "Excuse me...but that woman you are talking about is my mother!"

We all stood still. No one moved.

And then she said, "Just kidding!"

molly said...

I just thought of something else!!!

Remember when you came storming back to the fitting room bitching about some customer and another customer came out of her dressing room and said, "Excuse me...but that woman you are talking about is my mother!"

We all stood still. No one moved.

And then she said, "Just kidding!"

Noah Aspen said...

hehe backstreet boy blonde highlights

Jimmy said...

I remember that time too!!! I almost shit my pants.

I also forgot to talk about the shoplifters...oh well, that's another blog.

i'm know heather has pictures of the backstreet boy blonde highlights!

Heather B said...

Oh do I ever ...

Blaine Anderson said...