happy, for the most part

i am not sure how to start this. or end it. so it will be mostly body.

i like to think of myself as a chipper soul. a happy one. never very gloomy. this catches up to me. i had a couple of chats with asleep. we talked of why he doesn't care too much for the christmas season. i, however, love it. i love going shopping and picking out presents for everyone. but when you are sitting there, around all this family, the past seems to find their way in the crowded room. people mentioning how amazing your father is. and how it leaves a hole in their heart. and how that hole will never be filled back in.

i know of this hole. it follows me everyday. every night. this hole rides in the car with me. goes to work with me. has conversations. i wish my whole wasn't my dad. it would make things much more easy. but i don't know this for sure. snow falls in the hole. it makes no noise.

asleep also mentions how he draws when he is feeling down. his drug. his aunt described him drawing beautifully. a lot like two people making love. i can't wait to get the chance to watch him draw. breathe it in. anyways, my point being - he has an escape - art. my escape is missing to go to a place where everyone disappears. i want something like that. it's a lot like a trade. i have one - but tj seems to think it's me. myself as a trade. i'm not sure if i get that. but being me doesn't help me escape. being me isn't like my drug. but maybe being me is what i do well, always happy, never very gloomy. never thinking about things. always moving. never sitting. well, sitting long enough to write this.

i do need to clean my room. pick up the next chapter to my book. do laundry. call people. just not sit.

merry baby jebus day everyone.