do you take debit?

A Guilt Trip, Asleep

John's story reminded me of myself, only how I am quite the opposite.

My freshman year of college I was driving to my 8 a.m. class. For some reason I took 16th Street Parade* and wish I hadn't. I approached a stop sign where a mini van was taking their sweet ass time. I then realized that there was something, or someone in front of them. When they sped off I saw what was holding them and me up. It was a homeless man. He had no legs and was in a wheelchair.

Being the person that I am, I stopped - that, and I would have hit him with my car. It was cold. I rolled down my window and in he comes. The Black man had all of two teeth and smelled of alcohol. He kept repeating himself. I thought he was asking if I could take him to the Hippopotamus Cafe. After three minutes of trying to understand him I broke the news on how he wouldn't be able to ride in my car because I have never transported someone in a wheelchair before. Then he yelled, 'No!'

I was taken back a bit by his anger. Why was he getting mad at me? I was only trying to help. By this time there were about five cars behind me. He then said he wanted money. I said, 'Oh, I thought you wanted me to take you somewhere - and I've never heard of the Hippopotamus Cafe.'

He was basically hanging on my car. His arms grasping the inside of my door. I told him I didn't have any cash on me, but I did have debit. I'm not sure why I told him that. I think I felt bad for not carrying cash. I tried to justify myself to someone hanging on my car drunk and rocking two teeth. I apologized, rolled up my window and drove off. I looked in the rearview mirror to see him pester the person behind me.

*The 16th Street Parade is quite a fine show. It only takes place in the summer. The brothers and sisters of 16th Street flood the front porches and streets, sometimes making it difficult to drive through. The hot spot is the gas station that one would never stop at. You see children eating the week-old hot dogs and drinking big gulp sodas.

At night, 16th Street Parade can get out of control. On coming home off the Lake Street exit (something my mom always told me not to do) I had to detour off the main road and take side streets. What I discovered was more 16th Street Parades - only on different streets. These parades were much larger and had many more people. Girls with up-do's (so up that they hit the ceiling of their cars) and long finger nails. Men who are shirtless with their jeans neatly tucked inside their Timberlands. They gave me the stare down. The type of glare that said, 'White boy, you know you're not supposed to be here.'

And from that glance on, I have yet to return to the side-street parades.

make me a tree

I have this thing with trees. I'm not sure what it is. I can't describe it. But I think they're beautiful. Powerful. Magical. Loving. Amazing creatures. A bunch of things really. I like to take pictures of them. They're a lot like people. They have their own finger prints. Their own faces. Their own hair styles. They can move. Dance. Sway. They're good at swaying. And they sing. Listen to their bark. Their leaves will hum and speak to you. You just need to listen. Just listen. Just. Listen.

Thank you Asleep for my tree. I love it.

fortune

Paris, Jeff Keesee

I ate with Michael today at House of Lee. It's so damn good. Anyways, my fortune cookie told me something very special would happen to me three months exactly from today. So we will see what happens on March 1, 2007.

I have one thing in mind that could be special. But we will wait it out and see.

angry, drunk idiot

Something very strange happened Saturday night. Mollie, Matt and I left Citrus to go to Homey Inn. While on Saddle Creek a man was riding Alice's ass. As we turn left to make our way closer to the bar, the man driving behind speeds up and almosts runs into the front of my car. He is yelling and cursing at me to pull over. So, to see what his problem was I pulled over at the gas station.

He jumped out of his car and ripped off his jacket. Red-faced and sweaty, his hands were gripping Alice's window.

'Are you from fucking Iowa?!'
'Yes.'
'So can you not fucking signal - you cut me off motherfucker!!!'
'Where? If I did I apologize.'

More yelling went on, a lot more (I can't remember the exact dialogue, but above is the jist of it). I think I went into standby mode because he scared me. He was taller than me, and much bigger. My ass would have been on the ground. I wasn't in the fighting mood - i had on good jeans and I was tired. The jackass was pulling at Alice's window. Mollie thought he was going to break it. If that were the case, I would have gathered up enough energy to break his ass like the ninja I am.

I thank the man who told the guy to go away - he has good karma coming his way. All passengers and Alice are ok.

fog

Sometimes I don't know what I am doing.
I like Sundays because it is my day to do nothing.
But the again, doing nothing can make me start thinking.
Thinking of things I don't really want to.
Things that I shouldn't care about - the past -
but I do. Sorry.
My mind goes foggy.
And I can't stop thinking.
Of all those things that were.
And that will be.
I just pray that they will be.
Because I don't like being in this haze.



well in know it's just a spring haze
but i don't much like the look of it
and if omens are a god send like men
breezing in
certain these clouds go somewhere
billowing out to somewhere

in a single engine cessna
you say we'll never make it there
so all we do is circle it

uh oh. let go. off on my way
unseen this eternal wanting
uh oh. way to go
so i get creamed
waiting on sunday to drown
uh oh. way to go.
waiting on sunday
waiting on sunday to land
uh oh. way to go.
waiting on sunday
waiting on sunday to drown

so i know it's just a spring haze
but i don't much like the look of it
but all we do is circle it
and i found out where my edge is
and it bleeds into where you resist
and my only way out is to go
so far in
billowing out to somewhere
billowing out luna riviera
billowing out to somewhere

uh oh. let go. off on my way
unseen this eternal wanting
let go. so far. really getting creamed
waiting on sunday to land

why does it always end up like this
waiting on sunday so i get creamed
waiting for sunday to drown

he brings sugar

This song pretty much sums things up. How you feel when you open yourself to someone and they still don't get you. You tell them exactly what it is, invite them in and give them a tour of your world. But still, they will never understand you...or why you think the way you do...or love the things you love. They're just sugar - good at first, but then bad for you after awhile.



and I know and you know
if they found me out
you just watch
just watch what they do
sweet boy if they find you out
tell me what you think they'll do
when they find you gotta little in here
tell me what you think they'll do
when they find you out
when they find you out
find out
you're just a pussy, my sweet boy
my sugar...

case of the fake people

assholes are cheap today
cheaper than yesterday
small ones are half a crown
sitting up or lying down

The Cig and The Pig, Asleep

I am usually not a cruel and bitter person, but some things/people can set me off. Within the past three or so months, my friends and I have been acquainted to new ‘friends.’ Some of them were good people and the others not so much. One that bothers me is someone that I had thought was a good-hearted person.

This person (let’s call them P) is not from here, they are from another country. Sometimes communication would be difficult when P would say something offensive – but didn’t mean it in that sense – we would forgive, no problem. They had high standards for friends and potential lovers to be ‘cultured and sophisticated.’ I was always confused by this. Everyone is cultured in some sense, whether they are white trash or world travelers. And sophistication comes in all forms.

My thinking – you can be from another country and think of yourself as both cultured and sophisticated – but to many people you are actually quite the opposite. Cultured is so vast – I am in several cultures – American, Gay, Male, Irish, College Student, the list is enormous. P would often refer to someone as uncultured and would give them a look of distaste. On that note, P is one of the most ignorant people I know. Here is why…
-Behind me and my friend’s back she would talk about how she needs to stop hanging out with us because people will start talking shit about them. P said this because me and some of my friends happen to be gay. I guess gay people make others look horrible in a social setting and it can lead to shit talking of people in a certain community.
-P also discussed how all gay people cheat on their partners and aren’t loyal to them. I don’t know if I really have a comment on this one, because it just makes me laugh. People who make these comments are as dense as a brick wall.

These are just a couple things that have come from their mouth. Not to our face of course, because someone who is cultured and sophisticated would never do such a thing. But they will talk shit about you behind your back, all while smiling at your face.

-------------------------

Barons of Suburbia
take another piece of my
good graces
I’m in my war
you’re in yours
do we fight for peace
as they take another piece of us

It was a slight miscalculation
that my friends
my friends would be waiting
on the other side of the bridge
on the other side of this
this mole hill of a mountain
this potion
now a poison
they’re on the other side
of right
we’re on the other side
of her
midnight

When it’s all said and done
we will lose a piece
to a carnivorous vegetarian
Barons of suburbia
I have heard you pray
before you devour her

I am piecing a potion
To combat your poison

Tori Amos
Barons of Suburbia

perfect days

After work and long meetings I decided to take a break. A break from the cold, from everything. I was selfish and took a day or two for me. The weather was warm, in the 90s. The sun was shining. And I just wanted to breathe.

I visited Asleep. He said he didn’t have anything planned. And I didn’t care. He did want to make sure I went to King Taco. I saw his new place, balcony and all. He showed me one of my favorite pieces and hung it near his TV. I then saw the actual nose and bridge. I was lost for a bit.

Forest Fire

Friday we decided to go to Los Angeles. I’ve never been, so I was all eyes as we drove into the city. As for the actual city, it was dirty. I’ve never seen a smog cloud before. I felt bad for our lungs. But it was one of those drives you could have just driven on and on, and not cared.

I wondered if I would see any celebrities. I told Asleep I wanted to see Nicole Richie – just to see what she is wearing...maybe that’s really gay? Anyways, no celebrities. We did stop by and see the Chinese Theatre, Virgin, Cold Stone, and the sign from a distance. The day went too fast.

On the way home we stopped at King Taco. I was ready for goodness. It was delicious, even if brains and tongues were on the menu. Their hot sauce also rocked. Thank God for Asleep, everything was in Spanish, and I know I would have ordered something that wouldn’t go down or come out right. While eating he said we were only a block away from Compton. I made him take me. We missed the sunset – but we didn’t miss the prostitutes or people selling illegal TV’s and stereos on their front lawns.

Asleep put together a video that best shows our time. Just as soon as I got home, I wanted to go back. Is it the warm weather? The wanting to have something new? Or something else? I have my guesses.

I almost stop feeling the freezing
Whenever it's cold
And i almost can see in the dark now
Cuz your skin's so gold
-Trespassers

morning breeze

This morning I woke up a little early. By a little, I mean 5 a.m. I was laying in bed wanting to go back to sleep until I thought I would take a little stroll to the beach.

It was only a block away. I could hear the waves crashing. I could smell the salty air. It was still dark. I walked down the cement stairs to the cold sand. I could see the sun peeking out to the left of me. The sunrise wasn't what I had expected. I think the sunset will be amazing.

------------------------

got hurt today, my heart today
he just doesnt know what not to say
he fell today, around today
he said, 'make me liquid'
he, liquid, he, it's you
so i took a little break and i put it in a little song
pieces of him and me
we could both, ah, sing along
then i saw that maybe we just needed to embrace again
just to be with my Friend, you know we could be liquid
once again
liquid
liquid

you came and saw me and i broke my heart, then, what you did
you said that you didnt think that what you did was hurtful
you said, 'i dont see what you want from me'
i said 'could we be...
could we be
liquid'


more photos of my morning.

i'm going back to cali

I will be in Laguna Beach today through Friday (I wish it were longer). I love the smell, the warmth, the energy California gives. It's magical. I'm attending meetings for work - so it won't be all play, but I am sure we will have ourselves some fun.



On my way up north, up on the Ventura
I pulled back the hood and I was talking to you
And I knew then it would be a life long thing
But I didn't know that we, we could break a silver lining

When I think of California, a soundtrack forms in my head of several songs...

Phantom Planet - California
Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale
Eagles - Hotel California
Counting Crows - Goodnight LA
Joni Mitchell - California
Van Morrison - Feedback Out On Highway 101
2Pac - California Love
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
Razorlight - Los Angeles Waltz
Dave Loggins - Please Come To Boston
Led Zepplin - Going To California
Maroon 5 - My Blue Ocean
Notorious BIG - Going Back To Cali
Led Zepplin - The Ocean
Dresden Dolls - Shores of California
Bob Dylan - California

Ok...you get the idea. It's cali-loaded and good times. But I will return Friday evening, hopefully with a tan and smelling of sea salt. See you...



Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from

bridge

It’s all about the walks
Around the park
through the trees
and coming to the clearing by the lake.
We liked to come here -
it reminds us of how things used to be
When everything seemed fine -
and no one fought

We walked today to take a trip
Back to when things were fine
Over the hill
by the bridge
is where we first knew
that nothing would save us
The leaves were falling
and so were we

We fell
Just like the leaves
Off the tree
Out of love

-----------------------

Jeff - The stories have not been lost. They are here, floating in the air. That little girl with the leaf came to visit today, and out came this.

fire in the hole

This made me laugh. I could watch Ross all day long.

i hate to do this, but

Word verification. I dislike it to the end of the world. I can never make out the words that are squished together. It's a mumble of letters that make no sense at all. It takes me, sometimes, three times to get it right just to comment on a post.

But thanks to spam, which I thought would never find me, I turn on the verification. Sad days.

snow cherries from france

There are some songs or poems that I wish i would have - because they speak so close to the heart. This can go for anyone, because many people can relate these things to them. One of the songs that I wish I had written before anyone was Snow Cherries From France.

This reminds me of a past love. One of those, 'is this too good to be true?' And, it kinda was in some ways. It existed in my head, probably in real life. We never left the house, but we learned so much. You give your hand (in a verbal sense), and then what...there is a time of long pause...and nothing - or will it be something? We never wanted it to end. In some ways in never did, but then again, do they ever really end? But then it always seems to go away. Ripple. And come back in waves.


It's a love story...and this woman agrees to go on this adventure with this man. Even though, I think, deep down she knows that eventually he's going to go - because that's what he does - she offers her hand, after a fashion, and he offers her snow cherries from France, which sound delicious, but don't exist.
Tori Amos
BBC 6, Tom Robinson - December 2003

-----------------------

i knew a boy who would
not share his bike
oh, but he let me go sailing
i swore that i
could survive any storm
oh then he let me go

"can you launch rockets from here?"
boy, i've done it for years
right over my head
and when i promised my hand
he promised me back
snow cherries from france
all that summer
we traveled the world
never leaving his own back garden
girls, i didn't know
just what it could be
oh, but he let me go sailing

you question me,
"can you ride anything?"
lord, do you mean like your mood swings
invaders and traders with
the best intentions
may convince you to go
"they look like pirates from here"
boy, i've been one for years
just keeping my head
and when i promised my hand
you promised me back
snow cherries from france

and then one day he said
"girl it's been nice,
oh, but i have to go sailing"
with cinnamon lips
that did not match his eyes
oh then he let me go


Thank you Jeff for your snow.

come on closer

This song...is good. So good in fact, I have been playing it all day. And now I'm sending this as a 'shot out' to a certain someone.

This makes me think of when things are good. They make you smile. They make you think about someone all day long. They make you want a kiss every minute of the day. All that mushy stuff.



Come on closer
I wanna show you
What I'd like to do
You sit back now
Just relax now
I'll take care of you

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

Gonna take it slow babe
Do it my way
Keep your eyes on me
Your reaction
To my action
Is what I want to see

Rhythmic motion
Raw emotion
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

And now you're satisfied
A twinkle in your eye
Go to sleep for ten
And anticipating
I will be waiting
For you to wake again

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]
[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]

Hour after hour
of sweet pleasure
After this I guarantee
you'll never wanna leave
Shut your eyes and think about
what I'm about to do
Sit back relax I'll take my time
this lovin's all for you

cruel

I'm not one to make someone crawl through glass for their wrong doings. But certain things can hurt, and can cut, that will make you want to do such a thing. One thing a 'friend' could do to another is create rumors. Some rumors are believable to others, especially if they don't know you very well. So of course, those people who have yet to get to know you, are impressionable. We can only hope that people believe the story that is true, and not false.

Two sides to every story. Two sides to your personality. How you can be so friendly to each others' faces, but go behind them, speak ill words, and try to take what they can't get. This is for a certain person who has created stories, far from the truth about me. I'm sure they know who they are. Unless they are so fucked up on medications that they aren't able to comprehend.



"It's about when that dickhead is right there in front of you, and you look him in the eyes and you just go deeper than you can go...deeper than you can go."
-Tori Amos, Plugged '98 Tour, Nashville, Tennessee

------------------------

so don't give me respect don't give me a piece of your preciousness
flaunt all she's got in our old neighbourhood
i'm sure she'll make a few friends
even the rain bows down let us pray as you cock-cock-cock your mane
no cigarettes only peeled HAVANA'S for you i can be cruel
i don't know why

...

deeper, deeper than you go
deeper than you can
deeper but still you can
deeper than you can
I said, you can
tear it out and tear it out
and tear it out again

hey, and you know, you know
you're gonna lie, boy
way here
I said here, yes

bad ass

Whoever said you couldn't rock a little something sweet and help others at the same time?

it's here

Finally, OBI's website. Since I started interning here in February, we have been planning our website. And today it's finally arrived.

you think you know, but you have no idea

Oh, the Gap Girls skit. One of my favorites, for many reasons.

One, it makes me think of my five years working there. How anyone can work that long at Gap is beyond me (and not get in more trouble than we did). I started in October of 2000. I applied because one of my sister's old friends worked there and told me I should, good reason right? Plus I hated my airport gift shop job.

I didn't know what to think of it all. Not having any sense of style or fashion - I shopped at Buckle and Shopko (not saying they are bad...). I was also terrified of Matt, our 'bog gay boss' as most referred to him as. It was also the start of holiday season, so there were about 60 employees working.

But I stuck with it. I befriended a blonde haired girl wearing overalls. 'You're my friend Heather's friend' I said.

'Ummmmm, ok.'

I thought she hated me.

But what do you know, the queers have to stick together. We found each other through a sea of ugly sweater employees who were just working for a little extra cash and the employee discount.

I'll never forget the different moments while working there. It seems as if it were yesterday...

The day Mollie told Matt I liked boys. They were hanging holiday boxers and I saw her say something to him...he spinning his head my way...walking over...'GIRL!!!! Welcome to the team.' I gave Mollie the death look.

A girl named Sarah maybe had a crush on me, we're not really sure what it was. But me telling her I was gay didn't seem to seep in. She would often make sexual advances towards me and say, 'You know, no one will know if you go into the back room.'

'Why would we go back there?'

'Oh, so you want to do it on the table?'

'Wait, who's doing what?!' I didn't get her just as much as she didn't get me.

Also during the holiday season, I was trying on clothes while I was on the clock, no big deal. Mollie came back with Nick, a Ken doll-like boy who had a weird crush on me. (The first time he ever came in he showed Mollie and I his nipple ring - and we didn't even ask to see it.) She dared me $5 to run naked through the fitting rooms. i told her I would, only if I could wear shoes - because I didn't want to get a foot fungus. I did it. And I have yet to see my money.

I'm surprised we weren't all fired. But we were just waiting for another reason.



In the last year or so we were open, One Pacific's Gap closed and some were sent to our store. There were three of them. All appearing to be nice. We named them the Sea Hags. They all talked bad about each other, about us, and took every chance to gossip.

Sidenote: We didn't gossip, we networked.

The first day 'Amber Foghorn' worked she talked of her and her husband's sex toys and videos. No problem, we talked about sex all the time. The problem was, when I talked about guy's giving head, she flipped out and called the district manager. Mollie, Jenny and I were all called in. We were sure this was going to be the final straw to get fired.

Bless Jenny's soul. We gave her so much shit and she stood by us. We love her. In the end, we weren't fired. But Mollie and I didn't work together as much because she liked to 'provoke' me.

Also around this time a woman who will remain nameless (because I dare not even speak her name) and I battled like it was World War III. It began during Tax Free Weekend when she came to help our store. Mollie met her first and loved her. I was then introduced to her.

'Jimmy, this is K____, our new best friend.'

'Hi, I'm Jimmy.'

'Timmy?'

'No, JIMMY. Starts with a J ends with a Y.'

She gave me a nasty look. Hours later she tapped me on my shoulder, 'You can't chew gum on the floor, you'll have to spit that out.'

'Excuse me? Who are you again?'

I spit my gum out. And bitched.

Another fight with her included a chalk board and a message Becky had wrote us before she left to study in Romania. It was up there for about three months when someone had erased it for no reason. I knew it was the woman we will call Devil Bitch. DB didn't like any of us. We were a gang of clothes folders who had a tighter bond than any Mafia family. She couldn't break us.

This is where my asshole side comes out. Never fuck with a gay man, DB. I will cut you like a Stanton Island girl. I wrote a nice little message for her in reply to her erasing. I hear, the next day she came in, saw the board, and freaked the F out. She slammed things, cried and ended up leaving five minutes later.

DB also threw polaroids of us in the garbage for no reason as well. When I asked her about them, she said they 'fell in.' Bitch please. Mollie says DB and I couldn't get along because we were basically the same person. E'cuse me? In some ways, maybe. But homegirl was just MEAN.

The best is when I went into Crossroads and she was working (I didn't know). She didn't see me but said the usual, 'Hi, is there anything I could help you wi....Oh.....you.' Mid-sentence DB noticed me. I gave her a glare and she acted like we never spoke. And so it was.

So many other things to remember, but space is wearing thin. So I will leave it at this for now. But the memories stick with me, and it's wonderful to go back sometimes.

have an apple cowboy

I hope everyone had a good Halloween.

Pictures of our night will be coming soon.