and so it is

i don't know where to start or where to end this.
i'm running on low fuel with mixed emotions on every aspect of my decision.
Yesterday, after I was asked what my decision is - whether to stay in Long Beach or go back home - things fell, not so much into place.

How does someone who says they love you one moment and that they want you to stay -
flip into their shadow side, one i never knew they had, and say the things they say.

'you should make it as quick as possible.'
'when are you leaving? i can't have you here.'
'don't take anything that doesn't belong to you'
'do you have anything left? i don't want you coming back.'

what? do you not know me? i never realized i steal from people.
and i never realized you had those words or thoughts inside you.
leaving was difficult. making that decision was difficult.
it wasn't anything like do you want ranch or italian dressing on your salad-
or should i buy this shirt in green or black?
it was a decision that was going to be hard on me, and the people around me, either way.

i have no hard feelings towards him.
no feelings of bitterness.
i do apologize for breaking certain promises we made to each other.
i apologize for not communicating as well as i should have.
i apologize for not having an understanding to the stresses in your life.

i don't apologize for wanting to be with my family and friends.
true, you were my new family.
but family doesn't ignore your calls, among other things.
when asked if he would move from his family, a quick 'no'
jumped off his lips - followed by a recovery of 'well, if i did, i would visit often.'
that gave me the beginning to my final decision.

i thought of my mom, and wanting to spend more time with her.
i thought of my sister, brother-in-law and the kids.
i want to see their soccer games, their finger painted pictures, and the little moments in life.

and my friends
they make me who i am
they mean the world to me
hopefully if friends mean the same to you
you will talk with them more
and stop avoiding them for whatever reasons at times.

if myspace and blogs are such 'bullshit'
why do you look at it everyday?
why didn't you just delete it completely?
why do you still post things?
just be honest.

i've worn myself out of asking questions like those.
i wish you were one for goodbyes - or even a see you later.
but you acted in the way you thought was best for you.
everyone needs a certain amount of armor.
i don't know how much i have, if any.
i carry a tongue that is quick to speak at times-
but i have left all swords and shields far from here.
because i didn't need them with you - i'm sorry you felt you needed them with me.
it was hard to see you never cry in front of me.
maybe i'm too emotional
or maybe that's your armor.
i'm sorry you feel the need to take down videos of us-
when certain ones remained up.

i thank you for the dates we had - the dinners and movies.
thank you for king taco, it really is the best.
thank you for making me feel loved like you did,
because when the forces were in line, it was magical.
i hope your back will be ok, along with the rest of your health.
i am sorry for making a decision that has left you angry with me.
maybe someday you will look past it,
so we don't end up like bitter, alcoholic 80-year-old women.